


almost all of us are in college prep classes we swear

by mukeandziamgotmelike



Series: captainy shenanigans [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Boys in Skirts, CAPTAIN SQUAD, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Humor, LGBTQ Themes, Love Triangles, M/M, Multi, Next Generation, Next-Gen, Relationship(s), Underage Drinking, Volleyball, Volleyball Dorks in Love, biromantic, chatfic, everyone is thirsty, groupchat, its bad dont do it kids, most of them anyway, overuse of the word 'hoe', selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 16:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8408020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mukeandziamgotmelike/pseuds/mukeandziamgotmelike
Summary: creampuff: Why did you drag me into this?shirabooboo: aww you type with correct grammar how adorablecreampuff: Fight me.shirabooboo: bRING IT ON TIME AND PLACE BITCHtongue ring: guyssss i told the og captains that i would keep you guys from fighting so stop fighting ***Or, next generation captains getting it on in a groupchat.





	1. you're dating (not exactly)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [fresh or something](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6631324) by [garbagecannot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/garbagecannot/pseuds/garbagecannot). 



> HEY HEY HEY GUESS WHO FINISHED THEIR FIC
> 
> ITS ME
> 
> I DID 
> 
> this is absolute trash but I hope you like it anyway?? these pretty salt machines are an actual blessing in my life and i just wanted to share them with everyone.
> 
> also about nekoma's captain: i have absolutely no idea who i'm rooting for, so i chose fukunaga because what a babe?? he needs more love?? give him love. also yamamoto is pretty rad too and kenma is also awesome so anyway
> 
> this is also inspired by national hot dad alliance again, but i don't know how to put two 'inspred by' links, so i'm just including it here so that i don't offend the authors or any of my readers!
> 
> without further ado, i present the trash captains, 2.0.

**creampuff:** Why did you drag me into this?

 

**shirabooboo:** aww you type with correct grammar how adorable

 

**creampuff:** Fight me.

 

**shirabooboo:** bRING IT ON TIME AND PLACE BITCH

 

**tongue ring:** guyssss i told the og captains that i would keep you guys from fighting so stop fighting

 

**leonardo:** listen to my babe.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Who even is ‘leonardo’

 

**tongue ring:** ITS MAH BABE FUTAKUCHI KENJI

 

**leonardo:** cuz dateko is like the turtles or some shit and i’m the leader.

 

**leonardo:** and who are you to talk? look at your own name smh.

 

**★ MILF ★:** My ace changed it and I have no idea how to change it back

 

**★ MILF ★:** So back off 

 

**fukunaga :3:** everyone is being so rude to each other i dont like this can i leave

 

**tongue ring:** NO YOURE STAYING

 

**Akaashi Keiji:** I also don’t understand why I have to stay. Bokuto-san told me to do whatever I want.

 

**Akaashi Keiji:** However, he was half asleep and tired because of the awesome blowjob I gave him, so that may have something to do with it.

 

**tongue ring:** thAT IS TOO MUCH INFO

 

**★ MILF ★:** WAY too much

 

**shirabooboo:** i am….disgusted

 

**creampuff:** Oh please, Shirabu, like you’ve never done anything like that.

 

**shirabooboo:** exCUSE YOU BITCh

 

**shirabooboo:** SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH

 

**creampuff:** Oh, I’m wounded.

 

**shirabooboo:** i wiLL DECK YOU

 

**fukunaga :3:** look what youve started keiji

 

**Akaashi Keiji:** It was going to happen eventually.

 

**_leonardo has changed Akaashi Keiji’s name to_ ** **_watchtheworldburn_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** OH good one cutie

 

**leonardo:** thx babe

 

**fukunaga :3:** terushima arent you dating nohebis captain????? thats what kuroo-san said

 

**watchtheworldburn:** That pain in the ass.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** I love him.

 

**tongue ring:** why yes i am kitty cat

 

**tongue ring:** and its fuckin great

 

**fukunaga :3:** oh coolness

 

**shirabooboo:** someone plz save me from the monstrosity that is kawashiki

 

**shirabooboo:** TAICHI THINKS HES SO SMOOTH

 

**shirabooboo:** sayin things like ‘my demi swan princess’ LIKE EWWWWW

 

**★ MILF ★:** That’s actually really cute!

 

**shirabooboo:** maybe the first 6 times but now im gettin pissed

 

**creampuff:** Because your own significant other won’t give you a cute nickname like that?

 

**shirabooboo:** KEEP YOUR STUPID ASS PERFECT GRAMMAR AWAY FROM ME HOE

 

**leonardo:** FIHGT FOHT FIGHT

 

**tongue ring:** you are so different from precious its hilarious

 

**★ MILF ★:** Precious?

 

**tongue ring:** oh thats just what we called moniwa the old dateko captain in the other chat

 

**creampuff:** Oikawa-san told me about that. Apparently it was the best time of his life because they helped him and Iwaizumi-san get together, along with keeping his spirits up.

 

**tongue ring:** yeah it was really really great

 

**tongue ring:** STILL IS actually lol we havent deleted it yet

 

**fukunaga :3:** and here i expected you to become emo

 

**shirabooboo:** ‘keeping his spirits up’ for what when his hair lost volume

 

**creampuff:** There’s a lot of shit you don’t know, so don’t say things like that.

 

**shirabooboo:** calm yo titis

 

**tongue ring:** guyssss just be nice to each otherrrrr

 

**leornardo:** oh, i wish you would let me be a whole lot nicer to you. ;)

 

**tongue ring:** KENJI I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

 

**leonardo:** i’ll woo you one day.

 

**fukunaga :3:** wait ennoshita tell us how your ace changed your name again

 

**shirabooboo:** yeah ennoshit tell us

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Okay, first of all, Shirabu, get over it and get used to losing cuz we’re beating you again this year

 

**shirabooboo:** *gasps offendedly*

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** And my ace, Tanaka, got ahold of my phone somehow and changed my skype name. He also changed his own name in my contacts to… 

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** … something

 

**tongue ring:** GIVE US THE DIRTY DETAILS

 

**leonardo:** i love me some dirty details

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** NO what is wrong with you why do you care

 

**tongue ring:** THATS WHAT YOU DO IN A CAPTAINS GROUPCHAT YOU TELL YOUR DIRTIEST SECRETS WITHOUT SHAME

 

**tongue ring:** NOW SPILLLL （・∀・）

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Its nothing it was just something stupid he did

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Yahaba your ace does stupid things too right lets talk about the mad dog

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Smooth.

 

**creampuff:** Oh Kyouken-chan is so silly sometimes~

 

**tongue ring:** YOU REMIND ME OF OIKAWA IM CRI

 

**creampuff:** He makes it so easy for me to have excuses to beat him up.

 

**fukunaga :3:** that… took a very dark turn

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Oh yeah I get it now

 

**_watchtheworldburn has changed creampuff’s name to_ ** **_actual satan_ ** **_._ **

 

**shirabooboo:** GET FCKING REKT

 

**actual satan:** BITCH I WILL CUT YOU

 

**shirabooboo:** caLM DOWN SATAN

 

**fukunaga :3:** keiji,,,why????@?#E@

 

**leonardo:** i guess some people just like to watch the world burn.

 

**tongue ring:** DID YOU JUST

 

**fukunaga :3:** get out futakuchi smh

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** You made a joke… based off your own joke

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** I do nt,,,

 

**leonardo:** don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me.

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** That doesn’t make sense

 

**leonardo:** i know you are but what am i ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**tongue ring:** any consideration of dating you is gone

 

**leonardo:** (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

 

**actual satan:** Terushima, stop being such a hoe. You have a boyfriend.

 

**leonardo:** all of seijoh are hoes

 

**shirabooboo:** ill drink to that

 

**fukunaga :3:** guys stop fighting is bad for ur complexion

 

**watchtheworldburn:** What even are you?

 

**fukunaga :3:** ｡◕‿‿◕｡

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Well that explains it

 

**actual satan:** Oh, Shirabu, I’ve been meaning to ask. Why is your username the way it is?

 

**_shirabooboo has left_ ** **_NEXT GEN CAPTAINS :P_ ** **_._ **

 

**leonardo:** LMAOOO HE BOOKED IT SO FUCKIN FAST

 

**tongue ring:** noT ON MY WATCH

 

**_tongue ring has added shirabooboo to_ ** **_NEXT GEN CAPTAINS :P_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** YOUR SKINNY ASS IS STAYING IN THIS CHAT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

 

**shirabooboo:** NO

 

**_shirabooboo has left_ ** **_NEXT GEN CAPTAINS :P_ ** **_._ **

 

**_tongue ring has added shirabooboo to_ ** **_NEXT GEN CAPTAINS :P_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOUR FATHER ON YOU??>>”<>? CUZ I WILL

 

**shirabooboo:** YOU WOULDNT DARE

 

**_tongue ring has added papa swan to_ ** **_NEXT GEN CAPTAINS :P_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** USHI

 

**tongue ring:** SCOLD HIM

 

**papa swan:** Shirabu, please stay in this group chat and stop causing Terushima grief

 

**shirabooboo:** … yes, Ushijima-san.

 

**papa swan:** Thank you

 

**papa swan:** If that is all, then I will be going

 

**tongue ring:** okay!! thank you wakatoshi~

 

**papa swan:** Anytime

 

**_papa swan has left_ ** **_NEXT GEN CAPTAINS :P_ ** **_._ **

 

**actual satan:** You are SO whipped, it’s hilarious.

 

**shirabooboo:** SHUT YOUR FACE HOLE YOUR WHOLE TEAM WAS GAY FOR IWAIZUMI

 

**actual satan:** TRUE ☜(˚▽˚)☞

 

**fukunaga :3:** tbh i want to know what the hidden meaning is behind shirabooboo

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Same

 

**leonardo:** give us allllllll the details.

 

**shirabooboo:** all you peasants dont deserve to know

 

**shirabooboo:** youre not my friends, so stop LOOKIN at me

 

**tongue ring:** OOOHIOHOUIHOHOHOHIUGIUWDGWI

 

**tongue ring:** tbh tho i think ennoshita would be supa hot fire

 

**actual satan:** TRue

 

**★ MILF ★:** Whos ‘supa hot fire’

 

**tongue ring:** this rapper

 

**★ MILF ★:** Oh.

 

**★ MILF ★:** I’m not a rapper

 

**fukunaga :3:** oh mygo d

 

**watchtheworldburn:** That had to be on purpose.

 

**leonardo:** i am DECEASED

 

**actual satan:** Let’s go back to shirabooboo.

 

**shirabooboo:** IM NOT TELLING YALL BITCHES NOTHING

 

**tongue ring:** HA DOUBLE NEGATIVE THAT MEANS YOU WILL TEL US

 

**shirabooboo:** GET YOUR NERDY ASS OUT OF THIS CHAT

 

**actual satan:** You’re in college prep classes, too.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Shirabu, stop deflecting. Just tell us

 

**shirabooboo:** UGH FINE

 

**shirabooboo:** stupid SEMI got ahold of my phone somehow and changed it

 

**shirabooboo:** and i dont know how to change it back

 

**tongue ring:** TEN POINTS TO SEMI EITA

 

**leonardo:** that’s adorable.

 

**shirabooboo:** SHUT UP hes an asshole

 

**actual satan:** But you love him, don’t you?

 

**shirabooboo:** no

 

**tongue ring:** you two are dating

 

**shirabooboo:** well yes but

 

**shirabooboo:** also no?

 

**fukunaga :3:** further explanation???

 

**shirabooboo:** tbh i think im aromantic but idk

 

**shirabooboo:** so yeah i guess i do love that asshole butttttttt

 

**shirabooboo:** idek

 

**★ MILF ★:** So you and Semi are in a more than friends relationship?

 

**shirabooboo:** sorta i mean we kiss and stuff but i dont feel the need to date him

 

**★ MILF ★:** I think that would be called queerplatonic

 

**★ MILF ★:** Its like when an aromantic person gets into a relationship more than friends but less than romantic if you feel me

 

**★ MILF ★:** Shirabu?

 

**shirabooboo:** yeah sorry i was looking it up

 

**shirabooboo:** and i think youre right ennoshit

 

**tongue ring:** GUYS WE JUST HAD OUR FIRST EMOTIONAL TALK!!!!!

 

**tongue ring:** WE”VE REACHED A MILESTONE!!!!!

 

**tongue ring:** I AM SCREENSHOTTING THIS SHIT

 

**leonardo:** #emotional #captains #love #loveislove #friendship #nofilter

 

**tongue ring:** BRB GUYS MAH BABE IS CALLIN ME

 

**★ MILF ★:** But… Futakuchi is right here?

 

**leonardo:** thx for trying to make me feel better.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Its my job.

 

**leonardo:** teru is so cool, dating a college boy.

 

**shirabooboo:** lmao you salty

 

**_actual satan has changed leonardo’s name to_ ** **_salt shaker_ ** **_._ **

 

**fukunaga :3:** when bae already has a bae

 

**watchtheworldburn:** #sads

 

**salt shaker:** you guys don’t know the half of it.

 

**shirabooboo:** well i can take a good guess

 

**fukunaga :3:** tbh i actually dont hate daishou

 

**fukunaga :3:** kuroo-san did but 

 

**fukunaga :3:** like

 

**fukunaga :3:** i never got that

 

**salt shaker:** i hate him.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Don’t say that its rude you probably havent even met him

 

**salt shaker:** sorry mom.

 

**actual satan:** Lol

 

**shirabooboo:** if ennoshit is mom then yahaba is that dad that yells at his kids #confirmed

 

**actual satan:** I don’t yell at any of my kouhai!!

 

**fukunaga :3:** yeah guys he only yells at his boyfriend

 

**shirabooboo:** GET REKT

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Shouhei, your selfies on snapchat are so cute???? How are you so adorable???

 

**fukunaga :3:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**★ MILF ★:** You are actually the cutest thing

 

**salt shaker:** hey bby if you’re not dating anyone you should hmu ;)

 

**fukunaga :3:** i actually am dating someone

 

**salt shaker:** who got to you first????

 

**fukunaga :3:** okay first of all i wouldnt consider dating you especially since i knew that you want terushimas ass

 

**salt shaker:** that, i cannot deny.

 

**fukunaga :3:** and second of all its konoha akinori

 

**fukunaga :3:** from fukurodani

 

**watchtheworldburn:** That’s how we know each other. Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san are constantly encouraging joint practices between our teams.

 

**fukunaga :3:** its how me and akinori met (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

 

**salt shaker:** PRECIOUS

 

**shirabooboo:** SO PRECIOUS

 

**actual satan:** To be honest I thought that Akaashi and Fukunaga were dating. 

 

**shirabooboo:** lol you seriously typed out to be honest

 

**watchtheworldburn:** I’m not dating Shouhei. He and I are just close as we’ve bonded over our captaincy these past few months. I’m actually dating Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, and Kozume-san.

 

**salt shaker:** cool another person in a relationship

 

**shirabooboo:** SALT

 

**tongue ring:** hey guyss im back!!!

 

**salt shaker:** what could you guys possibly have been talking about for two hours?

 

**tongue ring:** oh just how hes doing in college and stuff!!

 

**tongue ring:** OH SOMEthING SUPER AWESOME HE GOES TO THE SAME COLLEGE AS PRECIOUS

 

**tongue ring:** THEYRE ROOMMATES HOW RAD IS THAT

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Aww

 

**actual satan:** That’s cooler than the other side of the pillow.

 

**fukunaga :3:** hows daishou-san doing??

 

**tongue ring:** pretty good! he says that the cafeteria is open all the time so he can get food whenver he wants lol

 

**tongue ring:** OH and he got on the volleyball team!!

 

**watchtheworldburn:** What’s he majoring in?

 

**tongue ring:** psychology! he said that he wants to use his powers of reading people for good and not evil

 

**tongue ring:** how are my dads??

 

**watchtheworldburn:** They’re roommates. Bokuto-san is majoring in zoology and Kuroo-san is studying chemistry.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** And yes, they did both get on the volleyball team.

 

**fukunaga :3:** guysss my babe akinori is so so cute

 

**fukunaga :3:** look look

 

**fukunaga :3:** _ [picture attached] _

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** You guys are really cute together!

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** And you look adorable in that sweater omg

 

**actual satan:** You’re so good at giving compliments, Ennoshita.

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Well… there’s no need to be in a constant rivalry 100% of the time… 

 

**shirabooboo:** theres not?!?!?!?

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** And I actually don’t mind talking to you guys

 

**fukunaga :3:** youre so sweet i lev you

 

**_watchtheworldburn has changed the chat name to_ ** **_shouhei levs ennoshita_ ** **_._ **

 

**fukunaga :3:** i do actually

 

**tongue ring:** WAIT ONE DIDDLY DARN SECOND

 

**tongue ring:** FUKUNAGA AND KONOHA DATING

 

**tongue ring:** THIS IS LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET

 

**tongue ring:** FORBIDDEN LOVE CHALLENGED AS THEY FACE AGAINST ECH OTHER IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE

 

**fukunaga :3:** its actually not forbidden?? only taketora-san is skeptical but he just doesnt trust akinori

 

**fukunaga :3:** and we wont really be facing against each other in the heat of battle as he did graduate

 

**tongue ring:** i aM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC GIVE ME THIS MUCH

  
**shirabooboo:** whatevs its really gay i approve


	2. the spawn of nohebi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noya and Tanaka aren't cool (no matter what they do), Shirabu ships Seijoh second years, Futakuchi is slightly intoxicated (then ends regretting many things), Terushima adds Nohebi's new captain to this gay mess, and there are dicks at Aoba Johsai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi there's a little fighting/mention of slurs in this. it's at the end in the group call, no if that will upset you, please don't read it!!

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Someone please save me from Noya and Tanaka

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** They think they’re so cool just because they’re third years now

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** All the first years love them but they don’t know what dorks they actually are

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Well they probably do but

 

**actual satan:** Can’t the other two help you out?

 

**actual satan:** The benchwarmers?

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Kino and Nari?

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** They’re probably in a closet making out somewhere

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** No pun intended

 

**shirabooboo:** LOL your entire team is so fucking gay

 

**tongue ring:** every damn volleyball player in japan is gay

 

**fukunaga :3:** #confirmed

 

**tongue ring:** wheres kenji???

 

**actual satan:** Pretty sure he’s giving you the silent treatment.

 

**tongue ring:** why??? what did i do????

 

**shirabooboo:** dont take it personally hes a drama queen

 

**actual satan:** HE’S the drama queen?

 

**shirabooboo:** what are you implying?

 

**actual satan:** That you’re a drama queen.

 

**shirabooboo:** REALLY

 

**shirabooboo:** AT LEAST I CAN SET

 

**fukunaga :3:** stop fightinggg

 

**salt shaker:** ladies, ladies, i think we can all agree that you’re both pretty.

 

**tongue ring:** *when you get the sads from remembering past convos*

 

**actual satan:** What?

 

**tongue ring:** *looks off into the distance like im in a dramatic music video*

 

**fukunaga :3:** same

 

**salt shaker:** this entire chat is on drugs.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** OH THANK GOD I didn’t want to be the one to say it.

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Don’t do drugs stay in school kids

 

**shirabooboo:** #inspirational #momgoals

 

**actual satan:** Ew I caught the second years making out

 

**salt shaker:** lol tfw you forget that you’re a third year now ahahahahah

 

**salt shaker:** cries

 

**shirabooboo:** omg i live kinkuni

 

**shirabooboo:** i mean love

 

**shirabooboo:** no i dont

 

**actual satan:** Shut up and stop shipping my kouhai.

 

**tongue ring:** ohoho KINKuni ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**actual satan:** Stop.

 

**tongue ring:** ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

 

**fukunaga :3:** im tired so imma go to sleep

 

**fukunaga :3:** gn everyone! sweet dreams xxx

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Goodnight, Shouhei.

 

**salt shaker:** you are so so cute fukunaga.

 

**_tongue ring has changed fukunaga :3’s name to_ ** **_precious 2.0_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** yes. i has did good

 

^^^

 

**salt shaker:** YOU GUYS  WANNS KBOE WGO I LEV??????????

 

**salt shaker:** TERUHSINA YUIJI

 

**precious 2.0:** i also lev teruhsina yuiji

 

**salt shaker:** NI BYT LIKE

 

**salt shaker:** HIS TONGUE RING IS SO SOS O CUYTE AND HIS TONGUE ID CYTE TOOOOOO

 

**salt shaker:** LIJE IYS SO SMALL AND AWWWW

 

**salt shaker:** I WANANS HIM DAYE MR

 

★ **MILF** ★ **:** Futakuchi… are you drunk?

 

**salt shaker:** I SWER TO DRYNK IN NOT GOD LOLOLOLOLKOL<

 

★ **MILF** ★ **:** Okay… 

 

**shirabooboo:** tag urself im teruhsina yuiji’s tongue ring

 

**salt shaker:** SHIRABOOBOO OMAO OOOOO

 

**shirabooboo:** yes, love?

 

**salt shaker:** HWYIS U SO SMALLLLLLL

 

**shirabooboo:** i… assume thats just my natural stature

 

**salt shaker:** OMG AHG SAHHAA AHAHAHA

 

**salt shaker:** GUYA BUT TERUSHIAN

 

**salt shaker:** i wannant hims toei levvvvvv me

 

**salt shaker:** aha aah caps alock

 

**actual satan:** Futakuchi, are you alone?

 

**salt shaker:** nooooooo taknbsu ia hereeeeeee

 

**salt shaker:** soi stop yrllinf st meeeeeee

 

**actual satan:** Okay who’s next

 

**precious 2.0:** how much do you lev terushima exactly

 

**salt shaker:** thissssssssssssssssss much

 

**salt shaker:** im syixking mt arms oyt reslly far ahahahahhahahaha

 

**precious 2.0:** do you lev him the most

 

**salt shaker:** I LEVVVVVV HUM SOSSOOSOSO MUCH ID FYcK HIMS INTO NEZT WEERK

 

**precious 2.0:** oh dear lord i cant with this child

 

**precious 2.0:** keiji wanna take a swing at this

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Futakuchi, are you home?

 

**salt shaker:** yaaaassssssssss

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Then tell Aone to put you to bed. You’ll need rest

 

**salt shaker:** AAKAKSIH JUDT BC MOINWA SWNMPAI IS ASZEUAL DORS NOY MAJE IT RIHGT TO SLEP W TAKANOBUU

 

**watchtheworldburn:** I am not telling you to ‘slep’ with him. I’m telling you to go the fuck to sleep. By yourself.

 

**shirabooboo:** savage

 

**salt shaker:** MMMMM I DOBT THUNK MOMMY WOULD WSNT ME TO

 

★ **MILF** ★ **:** Go to sleep, Futakuchi.

 

**salt shaker:** OKAAAAYYYYYY

 

**precious 2.0:** hes going to regret so many things in the morning lol

 

^^^

 

**salt shaker:** oh

 

**salt shaker:** oh no

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Uh huh.

 

**salt shaker:** um

 

**salt shaker:** did teru see that?

 

**precious 2.0:** not that we know of but the days not over yet

 

**salt shaker:** shIT ABANDON SHIP ABANDON SHIP

 

**_salt shaker has left_ ** **_shouhei levs ennoshita_ ** **_._ **

 

**precious 2.0:** chat name on fleek

 

**_tongue ring has added salt shaker to_ ** **_shouhei levs ennoshita_ ** **_._ **

 

**salt shaker:** shit

 

**tongue ring:** how are you feeling kenji?????

 

**salt shaker:** oh, i’m good. a little bit of a headache and some projectile vomiting, but other than that… 

 

**tongue ring:** thats hot

 

**salt shaker:** IM SO SORRY TERU DRUNK ME IS A COMPLETE IDIOT IM SORRRRRYYYYY

 

**tongue ring:** i really dont care lol we all say things we dont mean when we get drunk

 

**salt shaker:** … yeah.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Guys Asahi-san came back for the weekend and he and Noya are all over each other ew

 

**shirabooboo:** you think YOU have it bad??? the third years all decided to visit our practice i cringe

 

**shirabooboo:** tendou-san keeps snapchatting videos of us playing and im pretty sure hes captioned them all w something along the lines of ‘dat asssssss’

 

**tongue ring:** TENDOU IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL I LEV HIM

 

**shirabooboo:** goshiki was going so hard in practice today lmao he wanted to show off to senpai

 

**actual satan:** Kinky.

 

**shirabooboo:** stOP TALKING ABOUT MY DEMI SWAN PRINCESS THAT WAY

 

**★ MILF ★:** When you’re a tsundere but you also love your kouhai

 

**shirabooboo:** i-i’m not a tsundere!

 

**salt shaker:** mmkay

 

**precious 2.0:** chikaras super tall second year is more tsundere than you dw booboo

 

**★ MILF ★:** Tsukishima is actually a fragile dinosaur loving child

 

**actual satan:** Are you suddenly on a first name basis?

 

**precious 2.0:** chikara is such a perfect and pretty name i just lev it

 

**tongue ring:** i lev you precious

 

**precious 2.0:** i lev you too

 

**precious 2.0:** no homo

 

**_★ MILF ★ has changed precious 2.0’s name to_ ** **_dudebro_ ** **_._ **

 

**dudebro:** ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪

 

**★ MILF ★:** That lowkey looks like Tsukishima

 

**shirabooboo:** lmao true

 

**salt shaker:** TERU WHERE YOU AT

 

**tongue ring:** sorry i was in the shower lol

 

**actual satan:** Futakuchi right now: ┬┴┬┴┤ ͜ʖ ͡°) ├┬┴┬┴

 

**salt shaker:** well yes but he doesn’t have to KNOW that

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Can you be a little subtle about it?

 

**salt shaker:** i don’t know what that is.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Of course you don’t

 

**dudebro:** my fave thing is that futa flirts so blatantly with teru and he doesnt even care

 

**actual satan:** I know someone who would care if they saw this… 

 

**tongue ring:** OH MY GOD THAT REMINDS ME

 

**tongue ring:** SUGURU TOLD ME WHO HIS NEW CAPTAIN WAS

 

**salt shaker:** oh my god who is it?????

 

**tongue ring:** ITS SEGURO

 

**tongue ring:** HOLD UP A SECOND

 

**_tongue ring has added seguro to_ ** **_shouhei levs ennoshita_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** AND HERE WE HAVE BABY SNEK

 

**seguro:** what the fucking fuck is this

 

**shirabooboo:** °Д° im too young and pure for this 

 

**dudebro:** hi segu!!

 

**seguro:** … fukunaga…?

 

**dudebro:** yep!

 

**seguro:** oh hey my dude

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Hello, Seguro

 

**seguro:** hi akaashi

 

**watchtheworldburn:** How’s the new jersey?

 

**seguro:** what new jersey lmao i just ripped the zero off of my old one

 

 **★** **MILF ★:** IM DEAD HINATA WAS READING OVER MY SHOULDER AND ASKED IF NOHEBI WAS A POOR PEOPLE SCHOOL

 

**shirabooboo:** OMG

 

**tongue ring:** i snORTED

 

**salt shaker:** I CANT BREATHE 

 

**seguro:** that little shit :)

 

**dudebro:** fuCK CHIKARA HIDE YOUR CHILD

 

 **★** **MILF ★:** Dw I told him all Tokyo schools are rich af

 

**seguro:** dude its not just tokyo schools

 

**seguro:** have you seen fuckin shiratorizawa and aoba johsai 

 

**shirabooboo:** *shoving breadsticks into prada purse* something came up i really have to go

 

**actual satan:** MY COVER HAS BEEN BLOWN

 

 **★** **MILF ★:** I knew you guys were rich since last year

 

 **★** **MILF ★:** I mean, look at your haircuts

 

 **★** **MILF ★:** They also hinted at your sexualities btw

 

**tongue ring:** tch rich boy schools without their cockroaches

 

**tongue ring:** ennoshita and kenji get me right bois

 

**salt shaker:** the cockroaches are 90% of my school’s foundation.

 

 **★** **MILF ★:** Same.

 

**shirabooboo:** thats disgusting swipe left

 

**salt shaker:** aww cmon pretty boy ;)

 

**seguro:** is the chat always this gay

 

**tongue ring:** this is TAME

 

**tongue ring:** it can get so much gayer man get used to it

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Seguro-san… are you… a heterosexual?

 

**dudebro:** *collective gasp*

 

**seguro:** nah

 

**seguro:** im biromantic

 

**tongue ring:** oh yeah suguru told us about that

 

**seguro:** is it cool?

 

**tongue ring:** totally chill bro datekos old captain was asexual and homoromantic

 

**salt shaker:** love me some of that MONIWA SENPAI (っ˘ڡ˘ς)

 

**shirabooboo:** is ‘no’ an emotion bc i feel it

 

**actual satan:** Futakuchi, you really need Jesus.

 

**salt shaker:** says the guy whose username is actually satan.

 

**shirabooboo:** GET REKT

 

**actual satan:** thAT WAS AGAINST MY WILL AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK

 

**_shirabooboo has changed actual satan’s name to_ ** **_yahoeba_ ** **_._ **

 

**shirabooboo:** there ya go sweetie xx

 

**yahoeba:** I don’t know what I would do without your humor, Kenjirou.

 

**dudebro:** when the first names come out and everyone takes a step back

 

**seguro:** what

 

**dudebro:** a step BACK

 

**watchtheworldburn:** *pulls Seguro-san “a step BACK” so he doesn’t get hurt*

 

**tongue ring:** the worst thing about this is that shirabooboo fights back so its 10x more intense than ushiwaka and oikawas little spat

 

**shirabooboo:** WAIT THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA

 

**shirabooboo:** yahoeba

 

**shirabooboo:** you shouldve come to shiratorizawa

 

**yahoeba:** I WILL BURY YOU

 

**shirabooboo:** jk jk we dont want you here lol

 

**yahoeba:** Well I don’t want to be there

 

**dudebro:** yahaba may be a hoe but hes fergalicious

 

**seguro:** hes what

 

**salt shaker:** you have been deprived of good music, seguro. 

 

**shirabooboo:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1o1XWRIbe0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1o1XWRIbe0)

 

**shirabooboo:** listen and love

 

**_tongue ring has changed dudebro’s name to_ ** **_fergie_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** since you said it lol

 

**fergie:** my entire life has led up to this moment

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Shouhei rn: ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

 

**★ MILF ★:** I bet Konoha-san is dying from the cute

 

**fergie:** what the heck i look like a troll rn

 

**shirabooboo:** okay first of all you are too pure for this world

 

**shirabooboo:** ‘heck’ i havent said that since i was like seven

 

**shirabooboo:** and second of all you could never look anything less than adorable

 

**tongue ring:** TIME FOR A GROUP CALL :P

 

**yahoeba:** TERU I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN I LOOK LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT

 

**_shouhei levs ennoshita_ ** **_is now calling…_ **

 

“Hi, everyone!” Terushima smiles, waving. Futakuchi has to hold back jumping his computer screen at that smile. “Teru, I said no!” Yahaba’s distressed voice says. “Aww, what’s wrong, sweetie? Your hair not done~?” Shirabu asks, pouting mockingly. “C’mon, Yahaba, no one’s gonna judge you,” Seguro says, rolling his eyes.

 

“Well, except maybe Shirabu,” he adds when he sees the mischievous glint in the Shiratorizawa captain’s eyes. “You are learning quickly, young one,” Terushima says. Seguro raises an eyebrow. “We’re in the same—”

 

“What the fuck, Shigeru?” Ennoshita nearly yells, gaping. “What- What happened to your—”

 

Yahaba sighs, putting his bruised face in his hands in an effort to hide it. “I got into a fight,” he mumbles. Akaashi furrows his eyebrows. “With your ace?” He asks. “No. Someone who was insulting him,” Yahaba says. Fukunaga blinks at the Seijoh captain, causing him to sigh. “Someone was saying rude things about him, and I snapped. I just… hated hearing that stuff, you know?”

 

It’s quiet before a slow clapping breaks out. Yahaba looks up to see Seguro and Shirabu smiling. “I’m impressed,” Seguro says. “Yeah. Here I thought you had no soul,” Shirabu adds. “Guys, don’t encourage him. He shouldn’t have gotten into a fight, look at how hurt he got!” Ennoshita frets.

 

“Sorry, mom,” Shirabu rolls his eyes. 

 

“I get what you’re saying, Yahaba,” Terushima says, suddenly serious. “I mean, dating Suguru is great, but he does have a… reputation. And I feel like people judge our entire relationship based on that,” he says. He either doesn’t see Futakuchi’s pout or just chooses to ignore it. “Like, when he told his teammates he was dating the Johzenji captain, they didn’t know who the hell I was,” he continues. Seguro nods. “No clue whatsoever.” “But when I tell people about Suguru and I… they say things about him, and I hate it. Futa and Kazu need to hold me back half the time.”

 

“They called him a fag,” Yahaba whispers. Fukunaga’s eyes widen. “They-they called my entire team that, and… and then they called Kunimi a freak because he’s nonbinary and I just… lost it.” 

 

“How many punches did you get in?”

 

Yahaba looks up at Ennoshita, surprised. “I mean, you look pretty bad. I hope they look worse,” the Karasuno captain continues. 

 

“They actually do look pretty bad. Thanks, Chikara,” Yahaba smiles, then winces. “Fuck, it hurts…”

 

“If it’s any consolation, it’s kind of a turn on,” Fukunaga whispers so quietly that it almost doesn’t come through the speakers. Terushima bursts out laughing. “I love you, Shouhei,” he says. “Shouhei is a man of few words,” a new voice interrupts. A blonde boy kisses Fukunaga on the cheek, handing him a bowl of ice cream. “You’re so sweet,” Fukunaga whispers. Konoha smiles. “And you’re beautiful.”

 

Fukunaga lets out the cutest giggle, but then quickly looks over to the camera when he hears a screeching sound. Futakuchi’s face is bright red and his hand is over his mouth. “Sorry, that was just adorable,” he says, looking down. 

 

“You bastard!” Shirabu shrieks, and he’s suddenly out of the frame, only his laughs audible. 

 

“Good riddance,” Yahaba mutters to himself, rolling his eyes. Ennoshita gives him a bored look and he stares right back. “Is… Is he okay?” Seguro asks.

 

“From the looks of it, he has been attacked by his partner,” Akaashi says. “Who ya talkin’ to, Keiji~?” Terushima perks up at the voice, his eyes widened. “ _ Is that who I think it is?! _ ” He screams. A head of white and black hair pops out from next to Akaashi.

 

“Hi, dad!” Terushima says, his smile stretching from ear to ear. Bokuto smiles right back. “My son! I’m so happy you pulled this band of salt shakers together!” 

 

They talk back and forth for a few more minutes, and in those few minutes, Futakuchi gets up and comes back with sunglasses on. At Fukunaga’s slightly confused look, he shrugs. “It was getting a little bright in here,” he says.

 

“If you two are just going to keep rambling on, then I’m leaving. I have to get my beauty sleep,” Shirabu says. Terushima and Bokuto ignore him. “You workin’ on a standup act, Shirabu? Because that’s a great opener,” Yahaba says. Shirabu flips him off before hanging up, his face disappearing from the screen. 

 

“I’m going, too. Got practice tomorrow,” Seguro says, waving before hanging up as well. “Bokuto-san, people are starting to leave. Let me say goodbye, I’m tired,” Akaashi says, interrupting Bokuto’s  _ clearly  _ interesting story (if his hand gestures were any clue). “But… Akaashi—” “You can talk to Terushima-san on your own time. I’m tired.” 

 

Bokuto and Terushima sport matching pouts before waving sadly at each other. “Bye, dad,” Terushima says. “Until next time, my son,” Bokuto replies. Akaashi gives a barely noticeable eye roll before hanging up. “Oh! Kenji, I forgot to tell you…” Terushima says, suddenly happy again, trailing on and on about something Bobata did. Futakuchi takes his sunglasses off, smiling at the Johzenji captain softly.

 

Neither of them notice that they’re the only ones who haven’t hung up yet.

 

^^^

 

**_Call ended. Duration: 3:06:37._ **

 


	3. qotd: big spoon or little spoon?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mama swan gets ahold of a baby swan's phone (as revenge), Seguro cuddles with his libero at training camps (no home tho), Futakuchi and Terushima are moving pretty fast, Noya and Tanaka must protect their precious captain from playboys, Futakuchi is the ace???, let's bring back the first gens for a second, and all the smart kids are out to get the dumb kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *rewatching 'Guess Monster' 37642387460187 times*  
> me: here's...........tendou............

**seguro:** what the fuck is wrong with you guys you were up until like 2 am

 

**tongue ring:** I WAS TELLING KENJI THIS DOPE ASS STORY

 

**★ MILF ★:** Yuuji, what have we said about inside voices?

 

**tongue ring:** but im… not in the same room as you… 

 

**★ MILF ★:** i n s i d e v o i c e s 

 

**shirabooboo:** yes inside voices

 

**shirabooboo:** i am shirabu

 

**fergie:** i am,,, skeptical

 

**tongue ring:** POP QUIZ BOOBOO WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SENPAI

 

**shirabooboo:** tendou

 

**tongue ring:** OH DEAR GOD THATS SO WRONG LMAO HI TENDOU

 

**yahoeba:** If you’re gonna pretend to be Shirabu, at least stick to the script.

 

**shirabooboo:** YAHOEBA IM DEAD DID MY KOUHAI DO THAT

 

**yahoeba:** … Yes

 

**shirabooboo:** RESPECT

 

**shirabooboo:** okay so yes this is tendou hey wassup hello

 

**shirabooboo:** i am getting revenge for my darling wakatoshi

 

**shirabooboo:** bc kenjirou stole his phone one time lmao tongue ring remembers

 

**tongue ring:** YES THAT WAS LIT   
  


**tongue ring:** arent you the one that gave him the password tho?????

 

**shirabooboo:** dont sweat the small things sweetheart

 

**salt shaker:** *hisses*

 

**shirabooboo:** so what do you guys usually talk about

 

**shirabooboo:** do you miss us

 

**shirabooboo:** i know yahoeba does ayeeeee ;)

 

**yahoeba:** I want you to be eaten by a lion.

 

**fergie:** lmao

 

**salt shaker:** omg like literal #goals

 

**watchtheworldburn:** That’s the type of love I want in my own relationship.

 

**shirabooboo:** soooooo

 

**shirabooboo:** how are you doing with captainy things

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Well, the majority of our starters last year were third years, so we’re basically just trying to get everyone up to speed since we don’t have Bokuto-san with us anymore.

 

**shirabooboo:** well that was serious

 

**shirabooboo:** teru hit me w some of that johzenji

 

**tongue ring:** OKAY SO you know tfw youre so close with your manager that you know when her periods are so you dont piss her off and instead buy her chocolate and nachos???

 

**shirabooboo:** i cant say that i do 

 

**★ MILF ★:** That’s an… odd combination of foods… 

 

**tongue ring:** WELL THATS THE LEVEL OF FRIENDSHIP MY TEAM AND RUNA ARE AT AND ITS GREAT

 

**★ MILF ★:** Real talk tho I’m pretty sure Noya and Tanaka had a schedule for Shimizu-san

 

**★ MILF ★:** Knowing them

 

**shirabooboo:** dude ur tiny libero makes me happy

 

**shirabooboo:** like aww ur so smol

 

**shirabooboo:** plz be my little spoon

 

**fergie:** tendou are you the big spoon or the little spoon w ushiwaka

 

**shirabooboo:** little spoon hes so awesome and great at cuddling gah im in love 

 

**yahoeba:** Gross.

 

**shirabooboo:** exCUSE YOU YAHOEBA

 

**shirabooboo:** BIPPITY BOPPITY BACK THE FUCK UP BC I DONT SEE YOU BEING EITHER

 

**★ MILF ★:** Calm it down boys

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Yes mom, sorry mom

 

**★ MILF ★:** Not you Akaashi, you’re perfect

 

**watchtheworldburn:** :)

 

**tongue ring:** when akaashi shows emotion and you die cuz babe

 

**shirabooboo:** lmao same

 

**shirabooboo:** hbu guys big spoon or little spoon

 

**tongue ring:** mainly big but it depends on the mood suguru is in

 

**tongue ring:** or the mood im in lol i love cuddling ahahahaaaaoqen

 

**watchtheworldburn:** It varies on which partner I’m with. With Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san, I’m usually the little spoon but with Kozume-san I’m usually the big spoon so it really depends I guess

 

**fergie:** little spoon! :)

 

**tongue ring:** *pinches fukunaga’s cheeks cuz hes so damn cute*

 

**★ MILF ★:** I’m usually the little spoon too

 

**yahoeba:** Um I don’t spoon anyone

 

**shirabooboo:** fuckin weirdo

 

**seguro:** i dont cuddle

 

**salt shaker:** can i be a spork?

 

**tongue ring:** aww kenji ill be your little spoon

 

**tongue ring:** or big spoon whatever

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Futakuchi: explodes

 

**fergie:** BANG

 

**fergie:** BANG

 

**seguro:** THERE GOES YOUR HEART

 

**seguro:** I KNOW YOU WANT IT

 

**fergie:** BACK BACKSEAT OF MY CAR

 

**seguro:** ILL LET YOU HZVE IT

 

**shirabooboo:** wait a sec hold up hold up seguro how can you just ‘not cuddle’

 

**seguro:** well i mean i do sometimes lol

 

**fergie:** with who???

 

**tongue ring:** GIVE US ALLLLL THE DETAILS

 

**seguro:** sometimes at training camps me and my boy akama cuddle

 

**seguro:** hes our libero hes very smol

 

**shirabooboo:** but not as small as ennoshitas libero AYYYEEE LMAO

 

★ **MILF** ★ **:** Was that supposed to be offensive?

 

★ **MILF** ★ **:** Because, not to burst your bubble, but

 

★ **MILF** ★ **:** It wasnt

 

**shirabooboo:** shhhhhh child

 

**shirabooboo:** SO BACK TO SEGURO AND HIS TINY LIBERO

 

**seguro:** yeah so anyway we cuddle sometimes no homo

 

**fergie:** dont tell me you just said no homo unironically

 

**watchtheworldburn:** I am very disappointed in you.

 

**seguro:** *cries* why mom

 

**yahoeba:** Guys I think that Teru actually killed Futakuchi lmao

 

**shirabooboo:** where he at tho

 

**salt shaker:** TERU IM AT YOUR HOUSE OPEN THE DOOR

 

**shirabooboo:** WELL SHIT SLow down there lol

 

**fergie:** he is DEHYDRATED

 

★ **MILF** ★: He isnt even just thirsty anymore, he’s parched

 

**tongue ring:** YAYAY CUDDLES I LEV CUDDLES

 

**yahoeba:** Aren’t you two moving a little fast?

 

**shirabooboo:** YOU SKANKS

 

**fergie:** OMG LOOK AT TERUS STORY

 

**fergie:** SOOOOO CUTE

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Goals.

 

**shirabooboo:** OH yahoeba i need to ask u something

 

**shirabooboo:** so kenjirou told me that ur second year was nonbinary so i told him to ask you what pronouns to use but hes too scared so can you tell me???

 

**yahoeba:** Yeah, sure. He uses they/them most days.

 

**shirabooboo:** dope

 

**shirabooboo:** SHIT HE SAW ME

 

**shirabooboo:** I GOTTA GO ADD ME ON SNAPCHAT guess_monster05

 

**shirabooboo:** I AM HILARIOUS

 

**tongue ring:** MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS LED UP TO GETTING TENDOU SENPAIS SC

 

**tongue ring:** STREAK TIME

 

**tongue ring:** I AM GOING TO ANNOY HIM SO MUCH LMAO

 

**shirabooboo:** why did you losers let him do that????

 

**seguro:** bc ur rude and he was nice

 

**shirabooboo:** I AM NOT RUDE

 

**yahoeba:** You just called us losers :/

 

**shirabooboo:** cuz yall are

 

★ **MILF** ★: How were we even supposed to tell you?

 

**shirabooboo:** idk smoke signals or a mating call or smth

 

**yahoeba:** I know how loud Ennoshita can yell ;)

 

★ **MILF** ★: A step BACK Shigeru

 

**yahoeba:** Woah don’t flatter yourself I was talking about your game against Wakunan 

 

**yahoeba:** When you yelled ‘BRING IT’ really loudly

 

**tongue ring:** lmao

 

**fergie:** SO BOOBOO

 

**fergie:** are you a big spoon or little spoon

 

**shirabooboo:** get off my back youre all so obsessed w me

 

**tongue ring:** oikawa once said that ahaha

 

**shirabooboo:** little spoon

 

**shirabooboo:** but we dont cuddle all the time

 

**seguro:** i feel u

 

**shirabooboo:** maybe feel your smol libero instead

 

★ **MILF** ★: Ooh damn

 

**watchtheworldburn:** He fucking went there

 

**fergie:** guys wheres futa lmao

 

**tongue ring:** GUYS I THINK HE FELL ASLEEP AWW

 

**tongue ring:** HES ADORABLE

 

**tongue ring:** i lev him

 

**shirabooboo:** hoe

 

**yahoeba:** I think that besides Fukunaga, Terushima is the least of a hoe in this group chat

 

**seguro:** tru tbh

 

**seguro:** id trust him in a relationship

 

★ **MILF** ★: GUYS NOYA AND TANAKA ASKED WHO I WAS TEXTING AND THEY SAW TONGUE RING AND MCFREAKIN LOST IT

 

**fergie:** same

 

★ **MILF** ★: NO BUT THEYW TYREING TO TAJE MNYPIEBDW JS

 

★ **MILF** ★: YOU STAY AWAY FROM OUR CAPTAIN YOU PLAYBOY

 

**tongue ring:** … me?

 

★ **MILF** ★: YES YOU

 

**tongue ring:** oh… so which one of you is chika’s boyfriend~?

 

★ **MILF** ★: ITS RYU AND THEYERE FUCKIN ADORABLE TOGETHER

 

★ **MILF** ★: AND DONT CALL HIM CHIKA

 

**tongue ring:** oh, so the libero has the phone

 

**tongue ring:** well, tell your ace that i think his spikes are to die for

 

**tongue ring:** and your receives make me swoon

 

★ **MILF** ★: W

 

★ **MILF** ★: WHAT

 

**fergie:** DONT FALL FOR HIS SORCERESS WAYS NISHINOYA SAN

 

**shirabooboo:** that hoe aint loyal

 

★ **MILF** ★: wait a sec shirabooboo thats hilarious ahahaa

 

★ **MILF** ★: FUCKING ASSHOLES

 

★ **MILF** ★: Sorry, had to get that out. I got the phone back

 

**seguro:** lol i know one ace thats not getting booty tonight

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Is it Futakuchi? He did fall asleep… 

 

**seguro:** HOLD UP

 

**fergie:** WAIT WHAT

 

**shirabooboo:** futa is the ace?????

 

**watchtheworldburn:** … Yes?

 

★ **MILF** ★: You guys didn’t know that?

 

**tongue ring:** fake dateko fans

 

**tongue ring:** i bet you dont even know koganegawa’s mom’s blood type smh

 

**shirabooboo:** what tf is wrong w you

 

**tongue ring:** do you want it alphabetically or in order of most recent 

 

**seguro:** but tbh i thought that white haired guy was the ace

 

**watchtheworldburn:** He’s a double threat. Like Bokuto-san. Ace and captain.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Except for the fact that Futakuchi is probably much more intimidating and can use that double threat to his advantage.

 

**fergie:** BOKUTO IS SO FUCKIN PURE MAN

 

**fergie:** EvEN AKINORI AGREES W ME

 

**tongue ring:** STOP 

 

**tongue ring:** WAIT A MINUTE

 

**tongue ring:** I JUST CAME UP W THE BEST IDEA

 

★ **MILF** ★: What is it?

 

**_tongue ring has changed the chat name to_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** sweg

 

**shirabooboo:** k

 

**yahoeba:** I SWEAR TO GOD QUOTE THAT VIDEO AGAIN

 

**shirabooboo:** k

 

^^^

 

**sneaky snek:** TERUSHIMA YUUJI

 

**tongue ring:** DAISHOU SUGURU

 

**sneaky snek:** EXPLAIN YOUR SNAPCHAT STORY

 

**tongue ring:** I LIKE CUDDLES AND HE SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE TO CUDDLE

 

**sneaky snek:** JUST CUDDLING?????

 

**tongue ring:** wait lets calm it down for a second

 

**tongue ring:** you actually think i would cheat on you??

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** *watches while eating popcorn*

 

**sneaky snek:** of course not! its just… im in tokyo and youre all the way in miyagi

 

**sneaky snek:** im just saying i wouldnt blame you if you wanted to like… see someone else

 

**Bokuto’s babe:** *grabs bo’s hand*

 

**sneaky snek:** i know this is hard on you

 

**precious: (** This is the part of the romcom where the entire theatre is silent)

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** (shhh precious this is the best part)

 

**tongue ring:** suguru i wouldnt care if you were all the way in america, i would still want to be with you

 

**tongue ring:** i know this is hard but what relationships arent???

 

**stressed dadchi:** *Hums of agreement from the crowd*

 

**queen bitch:** (youre gettin it dad!)

 

**sneaky snek:** im just… scared

 

**tongue ring:** i know

 

**tongue ring:** but i promise ill never hurt you

 

**sneaky snek:** and ill never hurt you

 

**sneaky snek:** im calling you i wanna see your beautiful face

 

**tongue ring:** :D

 

**queen bitch:** AND SCENE

 

**Bokuto’s babe:** *stands up and applauds*

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** *wipes away single man tear*

 

**papa swan:** That was beautiful.

 

**precious:** riiiight???

 

**stressed dadchi:** Beautifully done.

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** five stars on yelp

 

**queen bitch:** so how are all your bby captains doing??

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** akaashi is doing FANTABULOUS although im not surprised lol

 

**Bokuto’s babe:** fukunaga doesnt really yell as much as i did

 

**Bokuto’s babe:** hes like precious he orders the muscle to do it lmao

 

**papa swan:** So he asks Kozume to take care of them?

 

**Bokuto’s babe:** ushiwaka have i told you that i love you

 

**papa swan:** Yes. On many occasions

 

**papa swan:** I’m not sure that the fan letters with the pictures of your shrine were entirely necessary, though

 

**queen bitch:** ok but ushiwakas humor has developed so well in college lmao

 

**stressed dadchi:** You should just ditch the whole volleyball thing and become a comedian, Wakatoshi.

 

**papa swan:** I have considered it

 

**queen bitch:** back to bby captains im kinda worried about yahaba

 

**queen bitch:** teru told me that he got into a fight

 

**precious:** Futakuchi told me about that!! Apparently some assholes were insulting the team and they called Kunimi a freak because he’s nonbinary

 

**queen bitch:** THOSE BITCHES

 

**queen bitch:** I TAKE BACK MY WORRY YOU GO YAHABA-KUN

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** KUNIMI IS NONBINARY AWWW

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** CUTIE

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** I WANNA GIVE HIM A HUG

 

**queen bitch:** i mean you can try but theyd probs stab you lmao

 

**Kuroo’s babe:** SORRY WRONG PRONOUN

 

**queen bitch:** dw about it you didnt know

 

**stressed dadchi:** I think Ennoshita is doing okay. I mean, the gym is still standing and everyone is alive for the most part.

 

**Bokuto’s babe:** always good things

 

**precious:** Futakuchi is doing pretty good! Takanobu called me with a very distressed facial expression so I dont think theyre quite used to it yet

 

**precious:** But the new first years seem to be doing well!

 

**precious:** Koganegawa and Sakunami are so excited to be senpai its crazy

 

**papa swan:** From what Satori told me, the next gen captains groupchat seems to be going well

 

**papa swan:** Apparently Shirabu opened up to them a little? Either way, he said theyre doing fine

 

^^^

 

**shirabooboo:** YOU UNCULTURED SWINE

 

**shirabooboo:** A MONKEY COULD TOTALLY MOW A LAWN

 

**seguro:** HOW???? IT WOULD RUN OVER ITS OWN FEET AND DIE

 

**shirabooboo:** THEY TAUGHT A GORILLA SIGN LANGUAGE THEY COULD TEACH ONE TO MOW A LAWN

 

**yahoeba:** As much as it pains me to admit it, I agree with Shirabu.

 

**seguro:** BECAUSE YOURE HONORS STUDENTS YOU THINK YOURE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY

 

**fergie:** yeah! here segu, futa, and i are in classes 1 and 2, and you guys are ready to go to college???

 

**fergie:** nerds

 

**salt shaker:** SUCH NERDS LMAO

 

**yahoeba:** Shut your whore mouth.

 

**shirabooboo:** wheres teru?? hed be our leader hes in class 7

 

**salt shaker:** i think he’s talking to his boyfriend.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** I will be the substitute head nerd.

 

**seguro:** they are revolting against us

 

**shirabooboo:** surprised you used that word correctly

 

**salt shaker:** SHUT UP

 

**seguro:** thx bro

 

**salt shaker:** i gotchu

 

★ **MILF** ★: Guys don’t fight we’re all smart in our own ways

 

**fergie:** okay crow mom

 

**watchtheworldburn:** … So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?

 

★ **MILF** ★: No.

 

**shirabooboo:** youre no fun

 

**salt shaker:** i like to think that ennoshit is tons of fun.

 

★ **MILF** ★: I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not

 

**fergie:** just take it and run

 

**seguro:** lmao life motto

 

**seguro:** thats gonna be my senior quote

 

**seguro:** “just take it and run” -- Fukunaga “fergie” Shouhei, 2016

 

**fergie:** :D

 

**watchtheworldburn:** When Terushima reads this he’s going have a heart attack during that fight

 

★ **MILF** ★: Just goes to show you what happens when he’s not here

 

**salt shaker:** bros before hoes man

 

**seguro:** DO NOT CALL DAISHOU SENPAI A HOE

 

**seguro:** YOURE A HOE

 

**seguro:** >:(

 

★ **MILF** ★: Clearly we want to stay away from opening up that wound

 

**seguro:** i just hate it when people call him a hoe or smth bc they hate him

 

**seguro:** like i get hes not the nicest person ever but like

 

**seguro:** >:(

 

**fergie:** when you have lots of angry emotions but your keyboard was expensive

 

**salt shaker:** sorry segu i didn’t mean it in that way

 

**seguro:** i know

 

**seguro:** but sometimes people at school say it and i l o s e i t

 

**salt shaker:** i know i would hate if someone called moniwa-san that.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** If anyone ever called Moniwa-san that, then they would need a slap in the face because from what Bokuto-san told me, he is anything but.

 

**fergie:** thats true sometimes kuroo-san would text them in practice and all of a sudden start squealing

 

**fergie:** apparently moniwa was ‘so fuckin cute i ca n t’

 

**yahoeba:** But if someone called Oikawa-san that then they would have THREE totally bara third years, two of which are the best arm wrestlers in school (god bless), a super tall first year that could probably crush you, myself, and, if given the right command in German, Kyoutani, that would beat their asses

 

**yahoeba:** Shinji would be recording it and Kunimi would be sleeping lmao

 

**shirabooboo:** “if given the right command in german, kyoutani” man youre really selling the mad dog lol

 

**fergie:** he frightens me

 

**salt shaker:** petition to put kyouken and fukunaga in a room together to see who hisses or barks first.

 

**seguro:** dude fukunaga would be shaking 

 

**seguro:** if you want a catty cat put kyouken in a room w yaku-san or smth

 

**fergie:** DUDES I jUST IMAGINED KYOUKEN AND LEV OMG

 

**fergie:** KYOUKEN WOULD BE THIS CLOSE TO BEATING HIS ASS AHAAHA

 

**yahoeba:** I’d stop him.

 

**yahoeba:** Maybe.

 

**salt shaker:** lmao get rekt lev

 


	4. we're makin' a movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Futakuchi is lonely, gay, and picky; everyone secretly ships terufuta, Shirabu texts sexy song lyrics to his sexy partner, Seijoh finally wins against Shiratorizawa in something, getting emotional with Fukunaga, (then getting emotional with Ennoshita), and Ennoshita 100% thinks that terushou would make a great movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly don't even know anymore

**salt shaker:** ALLLLL BY MYYSELLLLLFFFF

 

**salt shaker:** DONT WANNA BE

 

**salt shaker:** ALLL BY MYYSELLFLFF 

 

**salt shaker:** ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

 

**seguro:** k

 

**shirabooboo:** this is actually really depressing guys we need to get futa a boyfriend

 

**shirabooboo:** or at least some kind of date mate

 

**★ MILF ★:** What about your setter? Koganegawa?

 

**salt shaker:** nah he totally has a crush on our libero

 

**tongue ring:** i LOVE your libero

 

**tongue ring:** you think his insta would be all cutesy and stuff but no its full of dank memes

 

**fergie:** that super tall middle blocker you have is dating your old captain… 

 

**salt shaker:** THERE IS NO ONE FOR ME

 

**★ MILF ★:** Oh I know! Your old vice captain!

 

**tongue ring:** KAMASAKI SENPAI

 

**salt shaker:** ew no gtfo

 

**★ MILF ★:** weLL THIS ISNT GONNA WORK OUT IF YOURE GONNA BE PICKY

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Futakuchi, you are a strong, independent woman. You don’t need no man.

 

**salt shaker:** well yes that’s true but i still want cuddles and kisses.

 

**tongue ring:** ILL GIVE YOU ONE OF THOSE THINGS

 

**fergie:** futakuchi: stares at his phone for a solid minute and a half before whispering ‘fuck’

 

**tongue ring:** no but seriously kenji at the spring high and interhigh you guys looked like an old married couple lmao

 

**salt shaker:** GROSS NO

 

**★ MILF ★:** Tbh I have to agree with Terushima

 

**salt shaker:** if i am going to be disrespected, then i’m leaving.

 

**salt shaker:** i came out here to have a good time, but i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

 

**fergie:** lol bye

 

**salt shaker:** >:(

 

**_salt shaker has left_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**shirabooboo:** that was wild from start to finish

 

**tongue ring:** guys no joke kenji actually seems to be feeling lonely??? idk when i asked koganegawa he said, and i quote, “UMM FUTAKUCHI-SENPAI CALLED ME A DUMBASS A LOT TODAY AND HE USUALLY ONLY DOES IT A FEW TIMES SO I THINK HES PISSED AT LEAST THATS WHAT SAKUNAMI TOLD ME HES SO CUTE I WANNA HOLD HIS HAND”

 

**shirabooboo:** well that was a lot of words

 

**tongue ring:** BUT GUYS we all have boyfriends/date mates/partners like i have suguru and ennoshita is dating his ace and fergie has konoha and shirabu has semi and akaashi has kenma bokuto and kuroo and im PRETTY SURE seguro has a thing for his libero and yahaba has the mad dog

 

**tongue ring:** i just feel like kenji is mad yknow???

 

**shirabooboo:** i think youre right

 

**shirabooboo:** oh and teru? you can call eita and i a couple i dont care lol

 

**tongue ring:** oh okay i just wasnt completely sure

 

**seguro:** I DONT HAVE A THING FOR AKAMA

 

**seguro:** HES JUST VERY SMOL AND WE CUDDLE SOMETIMES

 

**fergie:** *all the time

 

**seguro:** DONT CORRECT MY TEXTS

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Don’t yell at Shouhei.

 

**yahoeba:** And by the way, I’m not dating Kyoutani. 

 

**shirabooboo:** sure jan

 

**yahoeba:** I’m not! He’s an asshole!!

 

**shirabooboo:** but youre also an asshole so it works out nicely!!!

 

**yahoeba:** SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH

 

**fergie:** shhhh make pizza not war

 

**seguro:** so cute

 

**tongue ring:** guys back to futakuchi??? what are we going to do???

 

**★ MILF ★:** You know him the best, Teru. I’m sure he’ll listen to you

 

**shirabooboo:** yea cuz futa wants his ass lmao

 

**shirabooboo:** tbh tho same but i gotta be lowkey about it

 

**tongue ring:** but i dont know what to say???

 

**yahoeba:** That’s a first.

 

**tongue ring:** guysss help me out i hate seeing him sad

 

**fergie:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**seguro:** just add him back so we can talk about this

 

**seguro:** talking about him while hes not here seems kinda shady tbh

 

**_tongue ring has added salt shaker to_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** kenji come over to my house right now we’re having ice cream and watching sad american romcoms

 

**salt shaker:** … 

 

**salt shaker:** i’ll be there in 20 minutes.

 

**★ MILF ★:** You two live so close to each other it’s great

 

**yahoeba:** It’s one of the things that makes me smile.

 

**shirabooboo:** tbh same

 

**shirabooboo:** OKAY SO i wanna text lyrics from work from home by fifth harmony to my idiot senpai but idk if thats too forward

 

**seguro:** are you hoping to get sex out of this

 

**shirabooboo:** maybe

 

**fergie:** HELLZ YES

 

**fergie:** that song is my fave,,,

 

**★ MILF ★:** What part of the song are you sending?

 

**shirabooboo:** just the prechorus i think or should i send more??? quick i need answers this is life or death

**yahoeba:** Just do it.

 

**yahoeba:** Here’s some motivation:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0)

 

**shirabooboo:** that was inspiring

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Let us know how it plays out.

 

**shirabooboo:** k

 

**seguro:** akaashi where have you been

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Everywhere and nowhere.

 

**fergie:** be careful not to cut yourself on all that edge keiji

 

**shirabooboo:** > punk team mom; 5:43

“ _ im coming over dont go anywhere _ ”

 

**shirabooboo:** hell yeah

 

**seguro:** booboo gettin that d

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Can we just appreciate Semi-san’s Skype name for a second?

 

**shirabooboo:** tendou-san’s is ‘actual team mom’ lmao i cri

 

**shirabooboo:** okay okay im going now

 

**shirabooboo:** later bitches B)

 

**seguro:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2r70amVquQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2r70amVquQ)

 

^^^

 

**yahoeba:** GUYS I HAVE A HILARIOUS STORY TO TELL

 

**shirabooboo:** DONT YOU DARE HOE

 

**yahoeba:** SO APPARENTLY OUR COACHES PLANNED A SECRET JOINT PRACTICE MATCH BETWEEN SHIRATORIZAWA AND SEIJOH

 

**shirabooboo:** I SWEAR TO GOD

 

**yahoeba:** SO SEIJOH WON LMAO

 

**yahoeba:** SHIRABU COULD BARELY PLAY HE WAS LIMPING

 

**yahoeba:** BUT THE COACH DIDN’T NOTICE SO HE KEPT HIM IN THE WHOLE TIME

 

**yahoeba:** I NOTICED THO AHAHAAA

 

**shirabooboo:** gonna go kick semi’s ass brb

 

**yahoeba:** GOOD TIMES

 

**seguro:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**fergie:** lmao

 

**yahoeba:** He also had hickeys on his thighs that we saw because his shorts are short ahahahahahahaha

 

**seguro:** ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

 

**★ MILF ★:** Shigeru this chat was pg and I would like to keep it that way

 

**yahoeba:** Compromise: rated R?

 

**★ MILF ★:** pg-13

 

**yahoeba:** Some adult situations! :D

 

**fergie:** *starts making out w akinori*

 

**★ MILF ★:** Oh Fukunaga I just remembered that I needed to ask you something

 

**fergie:** k

 

**★ MILF ★:** So I noticed that when we’re texting you say a lot? Like you always say funny and cute things and stuff

 

**★ MILF ★:** But on our group call you barely said anything. I know you’re not a talkative person… 

 

**★ MILF ★:** Also, I’m sorry if I’m offending you or making you uncomfortable

 

**fergie:** dont worry about it chikara 

 

**fergie:** when i was 7 my parents were worried that something was wrong with me bc i wouldnt talk to anyone so they took me to this doctor and she said i had selective mutism

 

**fergie:** i was 7 so i was like ‘???’ but then she explained it to me in a super patronizing way

 

**fergie:** so basically i cant talk to people face to face that im not entirely comfortable with. over text, its super easy bc i can just say things but face to face its like… its hard to describe, but im just so scared about how people will react you know???

 

**fergie:** when i hang out with kenma its easy bc he doesnt say much anyway, but we can hold a conversation if it comes down to it. and with taketora, even though hes a little overbearing, i dont mind the constant yelling cuz ive known him for over two years

 

**fergie:** i cant really talk to a person unless were really good friends, but that doesnt often happen bc how can you make friends without talking

 

**fergie:** idk im just rambling i hope im not being confusing

 

**★ MILF ★:** That actually kind of makes sense

 

**yahoeba:** If we ever hang out, I hope that we don’t make you feel like you have to say anything to us.

 

**fergie:** dw about it im actually starting to get comfortable around you guys

 

**fergie:** like the thought of talking to you guys doesnt scare me as much as it did originally

 

**shirabooboo:** guysss we just had another emotional talk

 

**shirabooboo:** teru would be so proud of us

 

**seguro:** is he our dad or something

 

**salt shaker:** he’s my daddy.

 

**★ MILF ★:** AND THERE GOES THE MOMENT.

 

**fergie:** HERE WE WERE

 

**fergie:** HAVING A NICE DISCUSSION

 

**fergie:** AND YOU JUST WALTZ IN

 

**fergie:** LIKE A FUCKING BULL IN A CHINA SHOP

 

**yahoeba:** Ooh good one.

 

**salt shaker:** i juST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS.

 

**watchtheworldburn:** We know, sweetie. But take them out on a punching bag or something, like I do.

 

**shirabooboo:** AKAASHI YOU BOX??????

 

**watchtheworldburn:** Yeah. I’m an angsty teenager.

 

**yahoeba:** That’s hot.

 

**seguro:** wheres terushima i wanna be complimented

 

**fergie:** are you missing your doting senpai

 

**seguro:** what doting senpai???

 

**fergie:** lol thats right

 

**watchtheworldburn:** You’re only saying that because Hiroo-san was 3edgy5u.

 

**★ MILF ★:** I THINK THATS THE BEST THING IVE HEARD ALL DAY LMAO

 

**salt shaker:** TO ANSWER SEGUS QUESTION

 

**salt shaker:** he said he had a date with daishou or smth.

 

**fergie:** CUTE AF

 

**fergie:** GUYS THEYRE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK I SHIP IT SO HARD

 

**★ MILF ★:** Awww so cute

 

**salt shaker:** ¯\\(°_o)/¯

 

**shirabooboo:** i dont see that name changing back anytime soon futa

 

**salt shaker:** like you’re not a living pillar of salt, shirabu.

 

**shirabooboo:** im lowkey about it

 

**yahoeba:** LMAO YOU THINK YOU SLICK

 

**shirabooboo:** shh child adults are talking

 

**yahoeba:** I’m older than you?

 

**shirabooboo:** by like two months get over yourself

 

**yahoeba:** All I know is that ever since Semi started dating you, he’s had to drink more water to dilute all the salt.

 

**shirabooboo:** do yOU WANNA FUCKING GO

 

**yahoeba:** yEAh

 

**fergie:** “lets take this outside!” “wow what a lovely evening!” “this was a great idea!”

 

**salt shaker:** where is the lie?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Completely unrelated topic guys

 

**★ MILF ★:** Do you guys feel like you aren’t good captains or whatever? Because… replacing Daichi-san… 

 

**★ MILF ★:** Its hard, yknow? He was really great

 

**yahoeba:** I definitely understand. Everyone on our team loved Oikawa, and I’m just not him. He was the best setter in the prefecture, the best overall player, even.

 

**yahoeba:** I know I can’t be like him, and it sucks, because I’m a total perfectionist.

 

**salt shaker:** i know i’m the complete opposite of moniwa-san, but it’s fine, because my team needs someone to keep their asses in line.

 

**salt shaker:** especially koganegawa. kid would get hurt on his own.

 

**seguro:** same here. daishou-san was really… something else

 

**seguro:** i know i cant be the same as him but im cool w that

 

**shirabooboo:** maybe im not the same as ushijima, and i wont lead the team in the same way, but i think thats fine???

 

**shirabooboo:** your team will understand that you have different personalities

 

**shirabooboo:** the only people who dont know you are the new first years and thats okay bc theyve never experienced any other captain before

 

**shirabooboo:** besides them, everyone should already know your personality pretty well?

 

**fergie:** so deep booboo givin us that a+ advice

 

**shirabooboo:** whatever

 

**shirabooboo:** shiratorizawa will still beat you all

 

**yahoeba:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk5Rb_jMkKY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk5Rb_jMkKY)

 

**seguro:** lmao

 

^^^

 

**tongue ring:** YOU GUYS HAD AN EMOTIONAL TALK WITHOUT ME????

 

**tongue ring:** WHAT THE FUCK R00D

 

**salt shaker:** you were out with daishou. we didn’t want to disturb you.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Futakuchi

 

**salt shaker:** what?

 

**★ MILF ★:** You know what you did

 

**salt shaker:** nO I DONT?????

 

**salt shaker:** MOM

 

**fergie:** how was your date with daishou?

 

**tongue ring:** I T WAS GREAT HES SO GREAT

 

**tongue ring:** we went on the ferris wheel to be romantic and shit but it turns out that were both kinda scared of heights so we were holding onto each other lmao but yeah it was cool

 

**tongue ring:** and we ate a lot of food and played a lot of games and he won me a pikachu plushie that was really cute and i was like awww!!! babe!!!!

 

**seguro:** thats so gay and so adorable

 

**fergie:** my thoughts lookin at this chat

 

**shirabooboo:** lmao same

 

**tongue ring:** but real talk like

 

**tongue ring:** gaahahahh

 

**tongue ring:** i love him soso much

 

**tongue ring:** like

 

**tongue ring:** i can t

 

**fergie:** thats 10/10 material right there

 

**★ MILF ★:** WAIT

 

**★ MILF ★:** EVERYBODY DROP WHAT YOURE DOING

 

**watchtheworldburn:** *drops Bokuto*

 

**★ MILF ★:** FUKUNAGA REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID

 

**fergie:** … thats 10/10 material right there?

 

**★ MILF ★:** HELL YEAH IT IS

 

**★ MILF ★:** I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA FOR A MOVIE

 

**★ MILF ★:** so its basically the sotry of teru and daishous relationship and like how theyre both kind of players but then they fall in love?!?!?!?!

 

**★ MILF ★:** HELL YES

 

**★ MILF ★:** BOOBOO

 

**shirabooboo:** yes, my lord?

 

**seguro:** kinky

 

**★ MILF ★:** CALL YOUR REDHEADED SENPAI

 

**★ MILF ★:** WE’RE MAKING ART

 

**tongue ring:** YYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYYY

 

**fergie:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**★ MILF ★:** YAHABA YOURE ON SOUND

 

**★ MILF ★:** ILL GET AKAASHI AND OIKAWA ON HAIR AND MAKEUP

 

**yahoeba:** Why do you assign me things without my consent?

 

**watchtheworldburn:** I do a mean winged eyeliner

 

**_shirabooboo has changed watchtheworldburn’s name to_ ** **_queen_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** CAN I BE THE CAMREA MAN

 

**★ MILF ★:** NO YOURE AN ACTOR

 

**tongue ring:** *strikes pose*

 

**tongue ring:** acting

 

**fergie:** THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT RIGHT HERE

 

**★ MILF ★:** DUDES I CAN USE THIS AS A SHORT FILM FOR A COLEGE APPLICATOIN HELL YEAH

 

**salt shaker:** when ennoshit thinks about the future and you cry while trying to catch up on homework from your first year.

 

**seguro:** is daishou-san gonna be in it?

 

**★ MILF ★:** UMM YEA WHO ELSE WOULD WE PAIR UP WITH TERU

 

**salt shaker:** *coughs*

 

**seguro:** okay good hes an amazing actor

 

**seguro:** hes minoring in theatre

 

**tongue ring:** OMG THATS RIIIGGGHHHTTT

 

**fergie:** how does it feel to be ignored so insistently kenji

 

**salt shaker:** i don’t like this. what is this. what.

 

**fergie:** lmao feel my pain

 

**★ MILF ★:** OKAY OKAY ILL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER IM SO EXCITED FUCK YEAH

 

**tongue ring:** LE GASP MOM SWORE

 

**queen:** Screenshotting for memorable purposes.

 

**tongue ring:** okay brb guys i gotta go do my chores

 

**tongue ring:** washin the dishes and shit

 

**salt shaker:** i love me a working man.

 

**seguro:** a step BACK futakuchi


	5. CATS V SNEKS DANCEOFF @ THE WATER TOWER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone wrongs Futakuchi, drama happens outside the chat, cats v sneks danceoff at the water tower, Terushima is a 'cool dood', Shirabu is smol and angry, and Fukunaga just wants everyone to be nice to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a shorter chapter but shit goes down so who's the real winner here?

**salt shaker:** OKAY

 

**salt shaker:** WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS DID IT

 

**salt shaker:** SQUARE UP

 

**salt shaker:** ADMIT IT NOW AND I MIGHT CONSIDER MAKING IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HAVE FUTURE CHILDREN

 

**shirabooboo:** we all gay af tho

 

**shirabooboo:** well im aro but

 

**shirabooboo:** you get the point

 

**salt shaker:** WAS IT YOU

 

**shirabooboo:** i dont know what the fuck youre talking about

 

**salt shaker:** I SWEAR TO GOD

 

**queen:** Futakuchi, how about you just tell us why you’re so angry? So whoever did it can square up?

 

**salt shaker:** ONE OF THESE TRASH CAPTAINS CALLED KAMASAKI TO OUR PRACTICE

 

**salt shaker:** AND TOLD HIM THAT I LIKED HIM

 

**shirabooboo:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhrZxSoLmgA ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhrZxSoLmgA)

 

**shirabooboo:** it wasnt me just saying

 

**seguro:** that seems like a lot of work for a small victory

 

**yahoeba:** I didn’t do it, either. I know you said that you hated him

 

**★ MILF ★:** I didn’t get any sleep last night lolol rip

 

**fergie:** not me

 

**queen:** Me neither. I was busy last night.

 

**shirabooboo:** with who ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**queen:** Bokuto, Kuroo, and Kozume.

 

**seguro:** akaashi has no fucking shame man

 

**seguro:** try spending time with him as he talks about his three boyfriends and all the sexy lovin they give him

 

**salt shaker:** WHOOOOOO???!?!?!?!

 

**queen:** You sound like Bokuto-san.

 

**★ MILF ★:** I’m sorry, Futa, but I guess the only person left would be Terushima

 

**salt shaker:** THAT FUCKIN

 

**salt shaker:** TERU

 

**tongue ring:** yeeeeeess, my sweet turtle princess?

 

**salt shaker:** what in the world possessed you to do something like that???

 

**salt shaker:** i’ve been trying to get OVER him, you know that

 

**tongue ring:** well yes but

 

**tongue ring:** you seemed lonely so i… thought i would step in?

 

**salt shaker:** i had everything under control.

 

**tongue ring:** well it kinda didnt look like it… 

 

**tongue ring:** i hate seeing you sad kenji

 

**tongue ring:** and its lame that you think you could ever get over him

 

**salt shaker:** i can’t fucking deal with this right now

 

**_salt shaker has left_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**tongue ring:** fuck

 

**fergie:** um

 

**yahoeba:** Well then.

 

**★ MILF ★:** That was… 

 

**shirabooboo:** something

 

**queen:** Terushima, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you tell Kamasaki-san that?

 

**queen:** Granted, I have barely a clue who he is, but it seems that Futakuchi wanted whatever you said to stay a secret?

 

**tongue ring:** i dont fucking know

 

**tongue ring:** ill be right back

 

**fergie:** you know its bad if he types out brb 

 

**fergie:** and if teru and futa dont get along, what is the point of this world???

 

**fergie:** how will i go about my days knowing theres no unreciprocated flirting going on????

 

**shirabooboo:** this is bad guys

 

**shirabooboo:** futakuchi seemed really mad

 

**queen:** Just give him time. That’s what works for Bokuto-san in these types of situations.

 

**★ MILF ★:** I think its healthy to have fights

 

**queen:** It was getting a little too chummy here.

 

**queen:** People getting along and shit.

 

**shirabooboo:** THE BEAUTFILU OWL QUEEN WANTS US T OFGHT

 

**shirabooboo:** YAHOEBA YOU SUCK

 

**yahoeba:** I’m not doing this.

 

**shirabooboo:** KYOUTANIS DICK

 

**yahoeba:** noW LISTEN HERE YOU HOE

**fergie:** wait a sec

 

**fergie:** chikara you said you didnt get sleep how are you even alive right now

 

**★ MILF ★:** lots of coffee and the promise of vinegared pineapple

 

**shirabooboo:** gross

 

**★ MILF ★:** ryuunosuke is getting it for me after school god bless

 

**yahoeba:** Goals.

 

**seguro:** gayyyyyy

 

**shirabooboo:** youre gay too

 

**seguro:** no im bi

 

**seguro:** romantic

 

**seguro:** :)

 

**fergie:** OHHHHHHHHHHHIUAHDUDABLIAYSD

 

**queen:** The burns never stop with you, do they Seguro?

 

**seguro:** im a burn machine

 

**seguro:** thats what the team calls me

 

**seguro:** ya know

 

**seguro:** captain burn machine

 

**shirabooboo:** oh yeah im sure

 

**yahoeba:** Wait, so did we all just forget what happened with terufuta?

 

**queen:** They’ll be fine. I think it’s better to let Terushima handle this.

 

**fergie:** true

 

**fergie:** in the words of a wise captain,

 

**fergie:** a step BACK

 

**seguro:** didnt you say that

 

**fergie:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlv7Bp-L2MM ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlv7Bp-L2MM)

 

**fergie:** ur scott

 

**seguro:** groovy

 

**fergie:** YOU

 

**fergie:** SCOTT DOESNT EVEN SAY THAT YOU FAKE AUSTIN POWERS FAN

 

**fergie:** CATS V SNEKS DANCE OFF AT THE WATER TOWER

 

**queen:** I’ll judge.

 

**shirabooboo:** tokyo captains give me lyfe

 

**queen:** [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkBlJI3IZZs ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkBlJI3IZZs)

 

**queen:** Bokuto and Kuroo love this song.

 

**seguro:** noice

 

**fergie:** I AM BOPPING MY HEAD SO MUCH RN

 

**seguro:** ps fuku we’re gonna win

 

**seguro:** kuguri is actually an amazing dancer and aint nobody got better hips than my boy akama

 

**fergie:** oh REALLY

 

**fergie:** well my team is bigger so HA i win

 

**seguro:** ill trip you when akaashis not looking

 

**fergie:** WHAT   
  


**fergie:** FOUL PLAY

 

**shirabooboo:** akaashi send him to the principals office!!!1!1!111!!!

 

**queen:** This dance off has turned to shit I’m out.

 

**fergie:** WAIT

 

**fergie:** okay i tried lol

 

**★ MILF ★:** Such a valiant effort.

 

**fergie:** SHIT gotta go lev is being stupid and insulting shibayama again

 

**seguro:** he gon get his ass BEAT

 

**★ MILF ★:** But… Shibayama… so smol,,,

 

**seguro:** hes a lot more confident now actually

 

**_queen has changed seguro’s name to_ ** **_nekoma enthusiast_ ** **_._ **

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** sorry daishou-san

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** but

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** its true

 

**fergie:** *screenshots and sends to all past third years on nohebi*

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** already done lol

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** > sneaky snek; 4:45

_ “i am disowning you get out of my life” _

 

**★ MILF ★:** I relate so hard to Daishou

 

**queen:** Same.

 

^^^

 

**_tongue ring has added salt shaker to_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** *observes quietly*

 

**tongue ring:** WHAT RHE HELL I MISSED A DANCE OFF

 

**tongue ring:** FUCK

 

**tongue ring:** I COULDVE BEEN THE COOL DOOD WHO COMES IN AFTER THE CATS HAVE GIVEN UP

 

**_fergie has changed tongue ring’s name to_ ** **_cool dood_ ** **_._ **

 

**cool dood:** I CANT EVEN  SAY THAT ITS SUScH A TONGUE TWISTER LMAO

 

**_queen has changed cool dood’s name to_ ** **_dool cood_ ** **_._ **

 

**dool cood:** ACTUALLY THO

 

**★ MILF ★:** How’re things with Futa?

 

**salt shaker:** i’m still pissed at him.

 

**dool cood:** i was trying to help you

 

**salt shaker:** i didn’t NEED your ‘help’.

 

**dool cood:** well i dont need that sass but here we are

 

**shirabooboo:** sizzle

 

**yahoeba:** That was such a mom burn, Teru.

 

**dool cood:** shut up it was gr9

 

**fergie:** *patiently waits for futa to say smth like ‘your ass is gr9’*

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** it wont happen

 

**queen:** cries

 

**salt shaker:** anyway

 

**salt shaker:** how is everyone?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Whats with the formality I thought we were chill here

 

**dool cood:** everyone sit back, take your shoes off, and relax cuz were all chill here

 

**queen:** Not a good idea there’s probably glass or smth on the ground.

 

**fergie:** what the hell keiji

 

**queen:** I dropped a cup don’t judge me

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** im sorry if im starting something terrible here but

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** how did teru convince futa to come back into the chat

 

**yahoeba:** That story is probably rated R Mom says I can’t hear this

 

**★ MILF ★:** Hold up I wanna see what goes down

 

**dool cood:** i basically apologized

 

**shirabooboo:** is that it wheres the drama

 

**salt shaker:** that’s it. stay out of it, shirabu.

 

**shirabooboo:** *is scared but gotta be lowkey about it*

 

**queen:** Futakuchi could literally crush you it’s hilarious

 

**shirabooboo:** *is smol and angry*

 

**yahoeba:** I’m screenshotting that and sending it to Semi.

 

**shirabooboo:** you dont have his skype you fake fan

 

**yahoeba:** Do you forget the text you forwarded to us before you had mindblowing sex?

 

**shirabooboo:** literally fuck my life

 

**fergie:** he knows youre smol and angry lmao

 

**shirabooboo:** BUT IVE NEVER ADMITTED IT

 

**yahoeba:** Imagine his surprise… 

 

**shirabooboo:** YOU SICK BASTARD

 

**fergie:** but booboo

 

**fergie:** look at the bigger picture

 

**fergie:** you got some mindblowing sex how rad is that

 

**shirabooboo:** thanks fuku

 

**shirabooboo:** silver linings

 


	6. starting today, you are a host!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terushima is sad so Futakuchi Tamaki's the hell out of him, Ennoshita and Yahaba act out some harmless twincest, everyone is trash for ohshc, Futakuchi and Terushima get closer, and these next gen captains share a frightening resemblance to the first gens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so um.... i am deep ohshc hell and i deccided to combine my two fave things

**tongue ring:** is everyone here

 

**shirabooboo:** yo what up fam

 

**yahoeba:** Shut up, you’re not cool. 

 

**shirabooboo:** fuck you

 

**seguro:** im here

 

**seguro:** supposed to be doin my homework but im a rebel B)

 

**fergie:** booboo and yahoeba should really stop the violence

 

**★ MILF ★:** Hi

 

**queen:** I am always here, because I am the absolute.

 

**seguro:** wrong fandom kaashi

 

**salt shaker:** MY HOBBY IS BBALL AND MY SPECIALTY IS KARAOKE

 

**shirabooboo:** futa cant come to practice a lot bc hes a part time model

 

**salt shaker:** #confirmed

 

**tongue ring:** im calling you guys

 

**_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_is now calling…_ **

 

“I like men,” Shirabu says, the second the call starts. “Same,” Ennoshita agrees, nodding. “What’s wrong, Teru?” Futakuchi asks, looking strangely concerned. Terushima just looks down, shaking his head; a barely there motion. “Have you been crying?” 

 

Terushima blinks a few times, taking a deep breath. “I - I’m…”

 

He breaks out into sobs, his hands coming up to hide his face. “Teru?” Futakuchi asks. Terushima ignores him. “Why - Why did he? Am I not good enough? Am I…” His knees get pulled up to his chest. “I’m not good enough,” he whispers. Seguro furrows his eyebrows. 

 

“I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough…” Futakuchi stands up abruptly. “Keep him calm. I’ll be right back.”

 

“Terushima?” He looks up at the gentle sound of Akaashi’s voice. “I’m going to need you to take a deep breath for me, okay?” Terushima shakes his head, his sobs racking his body. Akaashi frowns a little. “Whatever happened, Teru, you can’t blame yourself,” he says. Terushima blinks at him. 

 

“Do you trust me?” Akaashi asks. Terushima nods. “Then listen to me, alright? Everything is going to be okay.” 

 

“You know, whenever I’m upset, Akinori makes me food,” Fukunaga says quietly. Terushima barely manages a smile, tears still rolling down his cheeks. “He doesn’t talk until he’s sure I’m okay,” the Nekoma captain adds, blushing and looking away. His sweater covered hands come up to cover his face. 

 

Ennoshita smiles softly, then nods. “Ryuunosuke mostly annoys me until I tell him what’s wrong. Then once he realizes, he’ll apologize and then we cuddle.” Shirabu smirks. “You guys suck. Eita and I watch horror movies so that we realize that our lives could be much worse. We could die at the hands of a psychopath.”

 

Fukunaga lets out a cute giggle at that, and Terushima cracks a smile. 

 

“Teru?” 

 

Terushima looks up, and smiles at the person out of the view of the camera. There’s some shaking, then Futakuchi comes into view, his arms now wrapped around Terushima’s waist and his head on top of the shorter boy’s. “Okay, I’m back. Who missed me?”

 

No one responds, and Seguro plays a cricket sound on his phone.

 

Futakuchi frowns, then turns to Terushima. He tilts his chin up with his fingers. “Are you okay?” Terushima nods, and  _ was that a blush on his cheeks? _

 

Yahaba gasps. “Wait! I’ve seen this before!” Ennoshita nods fervently. “Me too!”

 

“So he had a nightmare that made him bolt right out of bed!” Yahaba says. Ennoshita gasps. “Hikaru! Don’t tell them that story! I asked you not to tell anyone that!” He looks away. “Why are you so mean to me?” Yahaba’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry, Kaoru. I didn’t mean to upset you,” he says. “But you were so adorable when it happened that I had to tell them.”

 

Ennoshita pretends to be embarrassed. “I forgive you,” he whispers.

 

Shirabu laughs. “Love me some twincest.”

 

“Kiss kiss fall in love!” Seguro says, still looking at his phone.

 

Terushima is still looking up at Futakuchi as the Dateko captain wipes the tears off his cheeks. “What happened?”

 

“I… Suguru and I…” His bottom lip starts trembling, and he gulps down tears. “We broke up.” Fukunaga whispers a soft ‘no’. “He… He said that he didn’t want to hold me back, and that the long distance relationship was too much, and I just…”

 

A new wave of tears escapes his eyes. 

 

“Don’t cry, Yuuji. It’s not your fault,” Futakuchi says soothingly, and all the other captains never thought they would have heard his voice like that. Because, what the fuck, who was this and what has he done with Futakuchi Kenji?

 

“But… if I had—” Futakuchi puts a finger to Terushima’s lips, shushing him. “You did nothing wrong, okay?” Terushima blinks and, yeah, he’s totally blushing. A shutter sound is heard and Shirabu lets out a loud ‘fuck!’. Akaashi raises an eyebrow and the Shiratorizawa captain clears his throat awkwardly.

 

“It was, uh, for Tendou-san. He watches the host club, so…” Shirabu whispers, looking away. He locks his phone in shame. “This is missing one key aspect, though,” Yahaba says, obviously trying to convey a message to Futakuchi with just his eyes. Ennoshita nods. “Yes. Authenticity. Let’s go, Futa, step it up.”

 

“You’re perfect, princess.”

 

“There it  _ fucking is! _ ” Seguro yells, then slaps his hand over his mouth. “Segu is OHSHC trash,” Fukunaga whispers, like it’s a secret. Ennoshita smiles and Yahaba folds his hands in prayer. 

 

Akaashi smirks a little. “Looks like we’ve lost Terushima,” he says, referring to how Terushima’s eyes are about to pop out of his head and how his blush is covering his entire body. “The power of a host is strong,” the Fukurodani captain continues.

 

“Wait, so are we all trash for that show?” Shirabu asks.

 

Terushima seems to snap out of it, clearing his throat and shaking his head a little. “I-I’ve never seen an episode,” he mutters. Ennoshita gasps, putting his hand on his heart. “You poor thing! Futakuchi, find it on Netflix so he can join us! We can be a dumpster now!” 

 

“I’d love to live in a dumpster with you guys,” Fukunaga says. Seguro pretends to wipe away a tear. “Just captain things—when you all live in a dumpster.”

 

“I mean,” Terushima says, sniffling. “We are all trash captains.” He gives his signature smile; his actual smile, not that cocky grin he’s always throwing around. 

 

“He’s back!” Shirabu says. Akaashi smiles softly.

 

“Crying makes me tired,” Terushima says, yawning. “Imma go to sleep. ‘Night, guys,” he says, flopping down on Futakuchi’s chest and closing his eyes. “He thinks he’s so fucking smooth,” Seguro comments. 

 

“He does,” Futakuchi says, smiling softly at Terushima. 

 

“Let’s give them some alone time,” Yahaba says. “Ennoshita, I’m texting you Tamaki memes. Don’t think I won’t.” Ennoshita smiles. “I always need more Tamaki memes.”

 

Futakuchi lightly runs his hand through Terushima’s hair, who nuzzles into his chest and grips his waist. There’s one more sound of a shutter, and Shirabu doesn’t even try to hide his fanboy smile as he (probably) sends it to Tendou.

 

“Okay, I’m going now. Keep being gay; Shirabu out.”

 

^^^

 

**_Call ended. Duration: 1:57:36._ **

 

^^^

 

**shirabooboo:** futakuchi kenji ftw who agrees

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** yo

 

**salt shaker:** yay people love me.

 

**_queen has changed salt shaker’s name to_ ** **_king_ ** **_._ **

 

**king:** oh, akaashi, what are you hinting at? ;)

 

**queen:** A step BACK.

 

**queen:** You know what I mean.

 

**king:** i don’t think i do ;)

 

**king:** please, enlighten me ;)

 

**fergie:** futa is there something in your eye???? 

 

**king:** *sulks in emo corner*

 

**queen:** You always have my back, Shouhei.

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** YAYAYAY TOKYO TRIO FRIENDSHIP

 

**queen:** Tf get out of here who even are you

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** :’(

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** </3

 

**dool cood:** hey yall ditchin school today cuz im a cool bean B)

 

**shirabooboo:** so johzenji’s golden boy isnt all that perfect?

 

**dool cood:** shut up i deserve this

 

**dool cood:** and i am not a ‘golden boy’ :/

 

**yahoeba:** You’re in class 7 and the captain of a sports team

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** sounds p golden to me

 

**king:** my golden sunshine :)

 

**dool cood:** i came out here to have a good time

 

**dool cood:** to be happy

 

**dool cood:** but all i feels is sad

 

**fergie:** same tbh

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Teru you can’t just ditch school. Your education is important and shit

 

**dool cood:** but mOM

 

 **shirabooboo:** “you can’t just ditch school. Your education is important and shit” -- Ennoshita “★ MILF ★” Chikara, 2016

 

**king:** mom goals amirite

 

**yahoeba:** You right.

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** HE RIGHT

 

**queen:** Wait, Terushima, isn’t Daishou-san in the first captains’ groupchat?

 

**dool cood:** ye

 

**queen:** Isn’t that a little awkward?

 

**dool cood:** ye

 

**dool cood:** but its not like we hate each other or anything lol were still friends

 

**dool cood:** shit just isnt exactly the same anymore ahaha

 

**yahoeba:** He laugh.

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** HE LAUGH

 

**dool cood:** YE NOHEBI AND SEIJOH FRIENDSHIP

 

**dool cood:** HELL YEAH

 

**king:** from my understanding, daishou and oikawa didn’t get along all that well.

 

**dool cood:** THEY WAS BESTIES

 

**dool cood:** they just didnt know how to show it lmao

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Daichi-san was always confused when he would read that chat

 

★  **MILF** ★ **:** Probs cause he wasn’t familiar with the lingo the kids use these days

 

**king:** teru meet me at the coffee place by the train station i wanna talk to you

 

**dool cood:** k

 

**fergie:** *heavy breathing*

 

**shirabooboo:** otfuckinp

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** ghey

 

**yahoeba:** Bets on a new relationship?

 

**shirabooboo:** nah its gotta be sex

 

**yahoeba:** 1000 yen?

 

**shirabooboo:** ur on

 

**fergie:** ohoho?

 

**queen:** OHOHO

 

**queen:** ugh

 

**queen:** ahahaIhatemyselfahaha

 

**★ MILF ★:** Relatable

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** i have a fun idea

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** EVERYONE FOLLOW MY LEAD

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** shouhei-chan youre a stupid cat and your boyfriend is hot

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** tell him to hmu

 

**fergie:** oh i see

 

**fergie:** YOU

 

**fergie:** DONT YOU FUCKIN DARE I WILL MURDER YOU

 

**yahoeba:** who cares about your problems kyouken-chan didnt buy me milk bread today!!!!!!!!! hes so mean ugh im too good for this

 

**shirabooboo:** Come and be too good for it at Shiratorizawa

 

**yahoeba:** STAHP

 

**yahoeba:** I M

 

**queen:** o shit hes about to fuckin lose it

 

**★ MILF ★:** Everybody take cover.

 

**king:** Guys? Maybe we shouldnt fight 

 

**king:** You guys are interrupting my cuddle time with my boobear

 

**dool cood:** PRECIOUS

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** SO PRECIOUS OMG IM CRI

 

**yahoeba:** just go on your date teru and futa omg 

 

**yahoeba:** you guys make me sad

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** aww bby </3

 

**yahoeba:** :’(

 

**queen:** A SINGLE MAN TEAR

 

**yahoeba:** :’’’’’’’’’’’’(

 

**fergie:** crY ME A RIVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** that was hot

 

**fergie:** ew back off

 

**dool cood:** goals 

 

**fergie:** TERU M YSON

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** GET BACK TO YOUR DATE YOU FUCKIN BANANA PEEL

 

**king:** It….Its not a date guys!!

 

**yahoeba:** Ew never do that again

 

**shirabooboo:** yeah lets go back that was scary

 

**dool cood:** tru tho futa and precious are so so different ahaha

 

**★ MILF ★:** JUST GO ON YOUR DATE OYMYGOS

 

**dool cood:** yes we’ll get right on that 

 

**king:** so you admit that it’s a date? ;)

 

**dool cood:** ;)


	7. seguro akihiko is a chotch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terushima gets slightly intoxicated with the other captains, Daishou blows some minds, Seguro is a confirmed chotch, and Oikawa is an emotional drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> underage drinking is bad don't so it kids

**dool cood:** GUYS

 

**dool cood:** _ [picture attached] _

 

**dool cood:** LOOK

 

**dool cood:** _ [picture attached] _

 

**dool cood:** AT

 

**dool cood:** _ [picture attached] _

 

**dool cood:** MY

 

**dool cood:** _ [picture attached] _

 

**dool cood:** PRETTYSETTER

 

**dool cood:** HES SOSOSOSOSO BOOTIFULIM

 

**shirabooboo:** DUDE LITERALLY STOP semi is so mad we’re tryna make out

 

**fergie:** thats hot

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** give us alllllll the details

 

**dool cood:** LMAOOOOOO HELL USE THAT PHONE FOR SOMEZTHING ;))))))))))))_))

 

**shirabooboo:** what

 

**shirabooboo:** wait

 

**shirabooboo:** NO SHIT WAIT NO EW TERU DAFUQ

 

**★ MILF ★:** I don’t get it

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** shit nO ONE TELL ENNO HES TOO PURE

 

**king:** teru… by any chance, are you intoxicated?

 

**dool cood:** lmao truuuuuuuuu

 

**yahoeba:** That’s not good.

 

**queen:** Seriously Terushima? Is someone at least there with you?

 

**dool cood:** yyeyaahahhaha alll the old capts are here

 

**queen:** ...So that’s what Bokuto-san meant

 

**yahoeba:** How bad can it be? If Sawamura-san and Moniwa-san are there?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Youve obviously never seen drunk Daichi-san

 

**king:** DUDE MONIWA-SAN GOES FUCKIN CRAZY WHEN HES DRUNK ITS HILARIOUS HES SUCH A LIGHTWEIGHT

 

**king:** IF ANYONE TOUCHES HIM HE TURNS AROUND AND YELLS “IM MARRIED TO JESUS” THEN WALKS AWAY IM

 

**dool cood:** preicousuusss is a designarteds xdriver

 

**dool cood:** he and asufhru ate gpinh gome tohheter

 

**fergie:** who

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** im assuming he means daishousan

 

**dool cood:** suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

 

**yahoeba:** Yes. He is.

 

**fergie:** lmao yahoeba

 

**king:** teru, please tell me you’re sleeping over there. i don’t want you to get hurt.

 

**dool cood:** awwwwwwww bbbbyyyyyyy im gucci

 

**queen:** That was disgusting

 

**dool cood:** bo and kuro said i can sleep over its

 

**dool cood:** gucciiiiiiiiiiii

 

**_yahoeba has changed dool cood’s name to_ ** **_gucci_ ** **_._ **

 

**★ MILF ★:** *sticks head out from around corner* YamaGUCCI

 

**fergie:** stahhhhp you hoe

 

**gucci:** i asked ushiwka if he wanted tob slep w meeeeee

 

**gucci:** HE SAID NO

 

**gucci:** :’’’’’’’’’’’’(((((((((

 

**yahoeba:** Oh dear lord

 

**shirabooboo:** screenshotting lmao

 

**gucci:** TENDOU SAID NO ROTTOOOOOOO ;(((((((((((((((*BU

 

**★ MILF ★:** Why tf is Tendou there?

 

**gucci:** iz calles phone sxe chikaraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

**fergie:** gdi enno get w the times

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** lmao who gave u alcohol ur like 5

 

**gucci:** AKIHIKO

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** … what

 

**gucci:** sguru just tolf me ur name ahahhhhahaah!!!11!!!!1!

 

**yahoeba:** Aww you have such a cute name

 

**★ MILF ★:** SO ADORABLE AWWW SEGU

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** stoooooooooppp im not adorable

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** fukunaga is adorable im badass

 

**shirabooboo:** lmao you wish

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** i know ur into bad boys shirabu ;)))))

 

**shirabooboo:** shut it akihiko youre gay for your libero

 

**gucci:** aaaakakkkkkkiiiiiiiihhhhhiiiiikkkkkoooooooooo

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** LEV ME ALONE

 

**fergie:** ayyeee lmao

 

**shirabooboo:** segu ur such a chotch

 

**yahoeba:** He’s a what?

 

**queen:** The urban dictionary defines chotch as: Generic, well-dressed, slightly meathead-ish dude who only cares or knows about bars, chicks, and looking good. Gel, vertical striped shirts, designer jeans, and sleek black shoes are a must. In middle school, chotches wore "No Fear" and "Coed Naked" T-shirts; in high school, white baseball caps and all Abercrombie; in college, visors, wife beaters, and cargo shorts. Chotches are 'huge' football fans, but end up checking their cell phones more than paying attention to games on TV. And a true chotch almost certainly received "Scarface" on DVD this last Christmas.

 

**nekoma enthusiast:** shit its like looking at a dictionary def of myself thru the years

 

**_gucci has changed nekoma enthusiast’s name to_ ** **_chotcg_ ** **_._ **

 

**fergie:** tfw teru tries so hard to be a sober person interacting in convos aww

 

**chotcg:** just leave it like this forever lmao

 

**★ MILF ★:** But wait: A person, usually male, who must always be number one, by any means necessary, such as in sports, sexual relationships, badass things. The Ultimate Chotch is usually bullshitting, is terrible at lying, and if caught in a lie, will only lie their way out to try to cover it up. They are usually very insecure and scared what others will say. They tend to not be liked by many people, and the people they are slightly liked by get very annoyed of them very quickly. There is nothing worse then having an ultimate chotch nearby, and the only cure is: 1) the ultimate chotch losing in a fight, wether it be a beakshow or a fistfight 2) the ultimate chotch moving, or having an epiphany of their ego.

 

**yahoeba:** So is Seguro a chotch or an ultimate chotch?

 

**chotcg:** daishousan is an ultimate chotch

 

**chotcg:** jk love him

 

**gucci:** wow akihiko @ me next time

 

**chotcg:** SHIT

 

**queen:** Daishou-san?

 

**gucci:** why yes love

 

**queen:** Are you as drunk as Terushima?

 

**gucci:** lol no hes a mess im only a little tipsy ahah

 

**gucci:** btw he dropped his phone bc hes tryin to make the moves on ushiwaka again im cri

 

**king:** get out of this chat i hate you.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Don’t be so rude Futa

 

**gucci:** that was so mean i m

 

**gucci:** suing you ahahaha

 

**yahoeba:** Tell Oikawa-san I said hi! We haven’t talked in so long I miss him

 

**gucci:** gdi he started crying again

 

**gucci:** do you know how much of an emotional drunk he is??

 

**gucci:** ‘i want iwachan’ ‘dont touch me ushiwaka’ ‘i just wannA BE A GOOD SENPAI TO TOBIOCHAN’

 

**yahoeba:** Gotta blast

 

**shirabooboo:** OMG I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU

 

**shirabooboo:** wait

 

**shirabooboo:** no 

 

**shirabooboo:** oh no

 

**chotcg:** booboo done fucked up

 

**_shirabooboo has left_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**gucci:** you guys are literally both oikawa

 

**gucci:** maybe not exactly but

 

**gucci:** thats why you clash its cuz your so smimliar

 

**_chotcg has added shirabooboo to_ ** **_trash captains!! ☆_ ** **_._ **

 

**chotcg:** hes onto something

 

**yahoeba:** No he’s not.

 

**gucci:** yes i am

 

**gucci:** you should listen to me im smarter than you

 

**gucci:** so like

 

**gucci:** you and shirabu-kun are both hotheaded and perfectionists

 

**gucci:** you both want to be good captains and even better setters, especially bc of who youre replacing

 

**gucci:** theres gotta be some ‘i actually respect you but dont want to admit it’ shit goin on there

 

**shirabooboo:** no.

 

**king:** shit he’s serious

 

**gucci:** im a psychology major but anyone with eyes could see the jealousy

 

**yahoeba:** Why would I be jealous of HIM?

 

**gucci:** its simple really

 

**gucci:** you see him as a threat, not just bc hes on shiratorizawa, but bc you know hes good and can become so much better if he would learn to share the spotlight a little

 

**gucci:** and shirabu-kun is jealous bc hes worried that with your current team, he wont be able to hold up the legend of shiratorizawa going to nationals every fuckin year

 

**★ MILF ★:** Except last year

 

**★ MILF ★:** And this year

 

**king:** i appreciate you advocating for dateko, but please ennoshita, i thought we were rivals.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Hahahahhaahahah youre so fuckin funny

 

**king:** i try.

 

**fergie:** WHAT HTE HELL DAISHOU_SAN UR SO ASMART

 

**fergie:** SWERIOUSLT WHAY

 

**gucci:** youre also both spoiled princesses just sayin

 

**chotcg:** um,,,

 

**queen:** Yahaba and Shirabu are struck silent.

 

**chotcg:** they dead and i aint payin for any funeral

 

**gucci:** are you proud of your senpai akihiko?

 

**chtocg:** meh

 

**chotcg:** youre alright i guess

 

**gucci:** fine then im leaving have teru back

 

**fergie:** DAISHOU SENPAI I LEV YOU ADD ME ON SC fukunyaga

 

**gucci:** I LOVE THAT NAME OMG

 

**gucci:** GUESD WHOS BAVK

 

**gucci:** BAXK AHSIN

 

**queen:** Stop.

 

**gucci:** NOBIDUY LEVS ME

 

**king:** i lev you.

 

**gucci:** YOUD ONT COUTY

 

**king:** why the hell not?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Please… don’t start anything

 

**★ MILF ★:** Im so so tired,,,

 

**yahoeba:** What the hell just happened?

 

**shirabooboo:** s h o o k

 

**chotcg:** so u agree

 

**shirabooboo:** what

 

**fergie:** you think youre really pretty

 

**chotcg:** no

 

**chotcg:** u agree that the ultimate chotch was right

 

**yahoeba:** No. There’s no way I’m jealous of that spoiled rich boy with a bad haircut.

 

**queen:** Oh god… 

 

**king:** fair amount of pot calling the kettle black here…

 

**gucci:** thst was soooooo racist

 

**shirabooboo:** wait a sec

 

**shirabooboo:** so is terufuta a thing yet

 

**gucci:** yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhj

 

**king:** yeah.

 

**★ MILF ★:** OMG I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOM AHHHHHHHH

 

**chotcg:** hes shook

 

**fergie:** same tbh

 

**queen:** Me too.

 

**chotcg:** lowkey shipped terushou but whatever

 

**chotcg:** as long as u two r happy

 

**_shirabooboo has changed chotcg’s name to_ ** **_disappointed chotch_ ** **_._ **

 

**gucci:** woop

 

**gucci:** kuro is srarnig to strip i sweat

 

**★ MILF ★:** Relatable

 

^^^

 

“Ew, what the fuck, Tetsu? No one wants to see that,” Daishou frowns. Kuroo sticks his tongue out at the ex-Nohebi captain, who does it right back. Bokuto pulls on Kuroo’s arm and he falls into his lap. “I wanna see it,” he whispers in a way that’s probably supposed to sound sexy. Kuroo laughs.

 

Terushima throws his phone at Daichi, who catches it without looking. “Suguru, you’re so mean,” he pouts, lying down on Daishou’s lap. “Ushiwaka, I have another idea,” he says, popping his head up. “You, me, Suguru - threesome?” 

 

Ushijima just shakes his head from where he’s lying face down on the floor. “I’d be down,” Daishou shrugs. He reaches for another drink, but Moniwa stops him. “No, Suguru, you’re not drinking anymore. Remember the last time you did? That party where -”

 

“Okay, Name-chan. Don’t need a reminder of what happened then,” Daishou interrupts, his cheeks burning bright red. “Ohoho, please enlighten us. I love me some good drama,” Kuroo smirks. Daishou glares at him. “Precious, you seem a little uptight. Let me pour you a -” Daishou grabs Bokuto’s arm before he can get any further.

 

“I swear to god, give him one milliliter and you’re dead, Kou-chan.”

 

Daichi makes a little ‘aww’ noise from where he’s sitting by Oikawa, who has his head in his hands and has been alternating sobbing and drinking for the past hour or so. “You two protect each other. Adorable,” he says. Oikawa lets out another sob. “I love their friendship,” he manages, sniffling.

 

“You’re such an ugly crier, Oikawa. Has anyone ever told you that?” Terushima slurs. Oikawa just nods sadly and falls off the chair he’s sitting in into Daichi’s arms. “It’s weird, since your usual appearance is so appealing to many people,” Ushijima says into the carpet. “Thank you, Ushiwaka-chan,” Oikawa sobs, his grip tightening on Daichi’s shirt. 

 

“Now that we have both parties alone,” Kuroo says, turning towards Terushima. Bokuto looks at Daishou with an innocent smile. “Why did you two break up?” 

 

“Um,” Terushima so eloquently starts, “we were so different that our love flickered out like a candle in the wind.” Daishou starts laughing, his hands coming up to cover his mouth. “Yeah, what he said.” 

 

“Aren’t you dating Futakuchi now?” Kuroo asks. Terushima nods. “Yep. It’s cool, he’s cool,” he slurs. Daishou looks annoyed and Moniwa leans against his arm, linking their pinkies together. 

 

A phone rings and the Pokemon theme song starts playing. Ushijima reaches for his phone, which is in Daichi’s hands. Daichi gives him it, and Ushijima swipes to answer it, still face down on the floor.

 

“Hello?” He asks, and the rest of the captains can hear Tendou’s voice from where they are sitting, all at least two feet away. Terushima giggles.

 

Ushijima eventually gets up and stumbles out of the room after Tendou starts yelling something about ‘fucking  _ Oikawa _ ’. Daichi taps Terushima on the shoulder, who jumps like he was in a trance. “So, Teru, how are the new captains holding up?” 

 

Terushima’s eyes light up. “Oh, they’re  _ incredible _ ! Kenji is kind of mean sometimes, but he’s actually such a nice guy and don’t even get me started on how charming he is…” “Anyone  _ other  _ than him?” Daishou frowns, but Terushima either doesn’t hear him or his drunk mind doesn’t process the apparently upset mood of his ex boyfriend. 

 

“Oh, and Fukunaga is just so adorable! Like, I wanna pinch his cheeks he’s so cute! And Shirabu is a memelord, like, no joke. Yahaba is so nice, too, and Ennoshita is our squad mom. Akihiko is also awesome, and I love all of them so much -” He starts crying then, joining Oikawa who’s now sobbing because ‘I’m so proud of my kouhai! He’s doing so well without me!’. 

 

“Don’t cry, Teru,” Bokuto says, patting Terushima’s head in a way that’s supposed to console him. Terushima nuzzles into his touch, leaning his head against Kuroo’s leg. “He’s so cute,” Moniwa whispers. “Who gave him alcohol? He’s not even legal yet,” Daishou says, “shame on you, Tetsu. Corrupting such an innocent, young boy.” 

 

“Oh,  _ I’ve  _ corrupted him?” Kuroo asks sassily. Daishou blushes, sticking his tongue out at Kuroo. “Dude, control your tongue,” Moniwa laughs, lightly tapping Daishou’s tongue. Daishou blushes more, putting his tongue back in his mouth. “You know that it has a mind of its own, Name-chan. I can’t control it.” 

 

“I wanna feel your tongue,” Terushima whispers. “On my… on my dick,” he adds. Daishou’s eyes widen and he turns away, burying his face in Moniwa’s shoulder. “So you guys never got that far? I’m impressed, I thought you would be fucking like rabbits right after you made it official. Maybe even before -”

 

“Shut  _ up _ , Tetsu,” Daishou mutters, his voice muffled. 

 

“Nah… Suguru and I made out a lot. His-his tongue was really great,” Terushima says. Daishou kicks him lightly, still hiding his face. “But we never did anything like that. I didn’t want to get him pregnant or something. I’m not ready to be a father,” the Johzenji captain concludes. “Is that a daddy kink sort of thing?” Bokuto asks. Terushima gasps. 

 

“Daichi has one of those!”

 

Daichi’s eyes widen and he coughs on his drink. “What? No, no I don’t. That’s-that’s stupid…” Kuroo smirks. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” he says in perfect English. Bokuto kisses him. “That was hot,” he says. 

 

“Name-chan, do you have classes tomorrow?” Daishou asks. Moniwa nods. “Then we should probably go,” Daishou says. “Have fun with your… daddy kink orgy thing.”

 

“Byeeeee, Suguru~” Terushima drawls, his eyes drooping as he hugs Kuroo’s leg. “Yeah, he’s gonna need aftercare. Sawamura, I leave them in your very capable hands~!” Daishou sing-songs as he walks out with Moniwa. Before the door closes, they hear Moniwa say in a very out of character way, “you should probably hold my hand since it’s dark out.”

 

“I’m gonna… sleep right here,” Terushima says, cuddling into both Kuroo and Bokuto’s legs. “With my dads. It’s safe,” he says, shutting his eyes. He’s out like a light in the next few minutes. 

 

“He’s going to regret so much,” Daichi says.  


	8. BBF (best bitches forever)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terushima has a bad hangover, Futakuchi just wants to take care of him, Shirabu decides that he and Yahaba are now best bitches forever, couples are cute, Tokyo captains are mean to Ennoshita, and then crow mom gives some deep advice to the playboy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO I WAS GONNA MAKE SHIRABU AND YAHABA FIGHT FOREVER BUT THen i saw this post on tumblr that was saying how they're both spoiled princesses and that they would wear skirts and be cute little shits??? and i was like??? yes???? please????

**gucci:** fuck me up the ass and call me shirabu kenjirou my HEAD

 

**shirabooboo:** ouch

 

**shirabooboo:** but also respect

 

**disappointed chotch:** how u feelin teru

 

**gucci:** well my head feels like its giving birth to a goddess which lowkey might actually be whats happening

 

**yahoeba:** Nerd.

 

**gucci:** but i also woke up next to ushiwaka so this day isnt a complete wreck

 

**fergie:** slow down there ur dating futa

 

**gucci:** wait… how did you know that

 

**queen:** You told us last night, you irresponsible banana split.

 

**king:** do you want them dead i’ll kill them no one will know princess

 

**gucci:** i… no

 

**king:** great, now i have to WALK BACK INSIDE

 

**shirabooboo:** you know tfw you have no one to shop w bc your two friends are dating

 

**disappointed chotch:** no i dont bc i HAVE MORE THAN TWO FRIENDS AHAAHAHAHAHAH FUCKIN LONER   
  


**shirabooboo:** you fucking chotch go make like your senpai and suck some dudes dick

 

**disappointed chotch:** WOW R00D

 

**shirabooboo:** yahoeba ur coming with me

 

**yahoeba:** Who says?

 

**shirabooboo:** i fucking says

 

**shirabooboo:** its called stress shopping bc we have a day off practice today and the interhigh is soon

 

**shirabooboo:** also there are sales

 

**shirabooboo:** get ready im pickin u up

 

**fergie:** *heavy breathing*

 

**queen:** *ships yahashira softly*

 

**disappointed chotch:** *whispers* otp

 

**shirabooboo:** theres nothing to ship you weebs

 

**gucci:** ummmm i still have a headache

 

**gucci:** kenjiiiiii come over and take care of me

 

**fergie:** wow ur so high maintenance

 

**king:** i’ll be right there bby <3

 

**disappointed chotch:** sooooo whipped lmao

 

**disappointed chotch:** this is why im not into the whole relationship thing ahaha

 

**★ MILF ★:** Wait I thought that we established that you were dating your libero

 

**disappointed chotch:** no that was never a thing god guys

 

**fergie:** it sure sounded like a thing

 

**queen:** Truth

 

**disappointed chotch:** ummmmmmmmmmm no?

 

**disappointed chotch:** i only said that we cuddle sometimes

 

**fergie:** dude i have you on sc hes always on your story

 

**fergie:** you film videos of him and then he blushes and tells you to ‘stooooooop akihiko im ugly’ then you go ‘nooooo’ and poke his cheek

 

**fergie:** its really cute actually

 

**queen:** Goals

 

**fergie:** *deep breath*

 

**fergie:** BOI

 

**queen:** What?

 

**fergie:** oh you know what youre doin you beautiful piece of shit

 

**★ MILF ★:** I just realized that I’m the only miyagi captain here

 

**disappointed chotch:** you know what that means ;)

 

**fergie:** oh yeah i do ;)

 

**queen:** I’m going to pretend like I know what’s going on

 

**fergie:** TIME FOR A GROUP CALL WHERE WE ROAST THE COUNTRY BOY

 

**★ MILF ★:** oh fuck no im not answering bye you hoes

 

**disappointed chotch:** r00d

 

^^^

 

**fergie:** update: p sure ennoshit cried

 

**shirabooboo:** update: me and yahoeba are having a sleepover and its gonna be gay af

 

**shirabooboo:** ps the hoe is currently out of commision bc kyoutani commented on his insta photo

 

**shirabooboo:** the one where hes wearin a skirt

 

**shirabooboo:** it just said “you should show your face too” and then yahoeba nutted

 

**yahoeba:** I did naught

 

**shirabooboo:** ye he had to hold it in bc we were in public

 

**disappointed chotch:** YA NASTY

 

**shirabooboo:** thats what they tell me ;)

 

**king:** hoe

 

**gucci:** guys

 

**gucci:** its a seijoh and shiratorizawa friendship

 

**gucci:** u n h e a r d o f

 

**yahoeba:** I wouldn’t necassarily call us friends.

 

**shirabooboo:** yeah and what would the problem be lmao

 

**shirabooboo:** THAT BTCH JUST TOOK A PICTURE OF ME

 

**shirabooboo:** I DONT GIVE CONSENT UR GONNA GET ARRESTED FOR CHILD PORNOGRAPHY

 

**fergie:** idk teru i think this friendship is a grreat idea

 

**disappointed chotch:** they obviously get along

 

**yahoeba:** HES SUCH A HOE OHMYGOD

 

**yahoeba:** HE JUST TOOK OUT A SNPABACK THAT SAYS ‘PAY ME’ ON IT

 

**king:** I’M DECEASED

 

**queen:** I also have one of those snapbacks

 

**fergie:** what a kewl guy

 

**shirabooboo:** OH FUCK

 

**disappointed chotch:** wat

 

**shirabooboo:** WE DONT HVE A FUCKIN TEAM MOM

 

**shirabooboo:** WE HAVE A TEAM BABY AND TAICHI

 

**shirabooboo:** im promoting one of the first years

 

**fergie:** how off topic

 

**shirabooboo:** idk bby im crazy w the heat take ur pants off

 

**fergie:** what

 

**shirabooboo:** what

 

**yahoeba:** I’m taking Shirabu’s phone so he doesn’t sext Semi-san

 

**shirabooboo:** then im taking urs too ahahahahahaha take that fuckin plant fucker

 

**disappointed chotch:** *whispers slightly louder* otp

 

^^^

 

**gucci:** hey

 

**★ MILF ★:** Hi?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Whats with the private chat?

 

**gucci:** i needed to talk to you about something

 

**gucci:** without kenji seeing

 

**gucci:** or anyone else

 

**★ MILF ★:** Whats up?

 

**gucci:** i just need advice

 

**gucci:** so you know how suguru and i broke up and then i started dating kenji?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Yeah

 

**gucci:** well, suguru asked me if we could start dating again

 

**gucci:** i told him i didnt know because i know he knows that im dating kenji now but

 

**gucci:** i also kind of still love him?

 

**gucci:** he told me that he was scared of getting too close to someone and thats why he broke up with me

 

**★ MILF ★:** Oh…

 

**gucci:** yeah. now i dont know what to do

 

**★ MILF ★:** So you still love Daishou-san?

 

**gucci:** i mean… i guess?

 

**★ MILF ★:** Enough to contemplate getting back together with him?

 

**gucci:** yeah…

 

**gucci:** but i have feelings for kenji too. hes so much fun to hang out with and we get along really well

 

**★ MILF ★:** I cant tell you what to do Yuuji

 

**gucci:** i know

 

**gucci:** i feel bad though. i want to keep everyone happy and this situation totally sucks

 

**★ MILF ★:** What was it your old captain said? That you cant have fun all the time?

 

**gucci:** youre in the ballpark even if thats not the quote you fake johzenji fan

 

**★ MILF ★:** Yuuji.

 

**gucci:** sorry

 

**gucci:** im so confused on what to do. ive never really dealt with… actual emotions before yknow

 

**gucci:** suguru and i just flirted w each other until i had the balls to ask him out and kenji and i basically did the same

 

**★ MILF ★:** Didnt Futa have something with his old vice captain?

 

**gucci:** oh yeah

 

**gucci:** it was a little gay fling bc of all the tension

 

**gucci:** kenji caught the love bug but was too scared to tell kamasaki before he graduated

 

**★ MILF ★:** Does he still have those feelings?

 

**gucci:** he acts like he doesnt but im not so sure anymore

 

**gucci:** thats why im so torn on this

 

**★ MILF ★:** I think that you have some thinking to do

 

**★ MILF ★:** Follow your heart and all that shit

 

**gucci:** thanks chikara

 

**★ MILF ★:** No problem

 


	9. *wedding bells play in the distance*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terushima and Futakuchi need to talk, Seguro is kinda sorta dating his libero, Shirabu is a little bit of a stalker, Fukunaga tells us about his sex life, Kuguri is a tumblr boy, emotions all around, and Matushana will finally find out who tops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end. i hope you enjoyed this giant shitpost.
> 
> THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ THIS, I LEV YOU A LOT!!

**fergie:** yall missed one HELL of a group call

 

**disappointed chotch:** tru

 

**yahoeba:** It was just Shirabu dancing like a hoe to Fergalicious.

 

**shirabooboo:** and you got a little bit hard watching me so whos the real winner here

 

**king:** EXPOSED

 

**queen:** Zing pow.

 

**fergie:** what the hell keiji

 

**disappointed chotch:** i feel like u say that a lot

 

**queen:** I’m just full of surprises

 

**gucci:** hey kenji

 

**king:** yeah?

 

**yahoeba:** Screw you, too, Teru.

 

**gucci:** can you come over? I need to talk to you

 

**king:** sure

 

**shirabooboo:** ennoshit is online and hes reading everything but hes not saying anything and thats a little unsettling

 

**king:** is this a good talk or a bad talk?

 

**king:** yuuji?

 

**fergie:** ITS BEEN A WHOLE MINUNTE WHY DONT U RESPOND

 

**queen:** ‘Minunte’

 

**fergie:** stfu

 

**disappointed chotch:** while theyre gone

 

**disappointed chotch:** u know how u guys said that i was dating my libero

 

**shirabooboo:** i like where this is going

 

**disappointed chotch:** i think we are dating??

 

**disappointed chotch:** idk bc hes super bi 

 

**disappointed chotch:** but we always cuddle and he holds my hand when were walking through tokyo so

 

**queen:** That sounds like something

 

**shirabooboo:** it sounds like a lowkey relationship

 

**yahoeba:** Lowkey, though.

 

**shirabooboo:** right

 

**shirabooboo:** goD DAMMIT ENNOSHIT STOP IT

 

**shirabooboo:** UR SO CREEPY OMG

 

**★ MILF ★:** Youre so rude, Shirabu

 

**shirabooboo:** woah woah thats a little xtreme

 

**yahoeba:** You live on the wild side Shirabu.

 

**shirabooboo:** im more of a mild kinda guy actually

 

**shirabooboo:** you fake fan

 

**fergie:** hey

 

**fergie:** both of you shut up

 

**shirabooboo:** no

 

**disappointed chotch:** k

 

^^^

 

**_yahoeba has changed disappointed chotch’s name to_ ** **_newlywed._ **

 

^^^

 

**newlywed:** YOU

 

**yahoeba:** ;)

 

^^^

 

**shirabooboo:** i dont want to be THAT GUY but

 

**shirabooboo:** ive been perusing through some sc stories

 

**shirabooboo:** and futa is on a date with not teru???

 

**shirabooboo:** ???

 

**gucci:** oh yeah we broke up

 

**yahoeba:** I’m sorry, what?

 

**gucci:** we broke up

 

**newlywed:** WHY THO

 

**gucci:** idk we just werent feelin it anymore

 

**gucci:** hes out on a date w kamasaki rn

 

**gucci:** and im texting suguru

 

**★ MILF ★:** Im glad you made a decision, Yuuji

 

**gucci:** yeah

 

**gucci:** now no more serious thoughts for the rest of my life theyre too much work

 

**queen:** Ain’t that the fucking truth

 

**fergie:** lmao keiji

 

**shirabooboo:** wait a sec fukunaga i just realized weve never heard about your sex life tell us a thing or six 

 

**fergie:** well we do have buttsex a lot

 

**★ MILF ★:** SO YOUNG

 

**queen:** Top or bottom?

 

**fergie:** bottom

 

**fergie:** it gets crazy man

 

**fergie:** damn that boy knows just what to say

 

**fergie:** oh great look at that

 

**fergie:** inviting akinori over bye bitches (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

 

**newlywed:** doesnt he have like school or smth

 

**★ MILF ★:** School isnt real

 

**shirabooboo:** true

 

**yahoeba:** You got into Shiratorizawa on grades alone, don’t be talking about ‘school isnt real’

 

**★ MILF ★:** Wtf I dont go to Shiratorizawa

 

**shirabooboo:** UR SUCH A FAKE FAN YAHOEBA

 

**yahoeba:** You’re so annoying, why do I even hang out with you?

 

**shirabooboo:** bc i give you advice on your otherwise horrid fashion choices

 

**yahoeba:** What?

 

**shirabooboo:** gender roles arent a thing

 

**newlywed:** i s2g kuguri literally said that once

 

**newlywed:** right after ‘my aesthetic is red like the blood of my enemies’

 

**queen:** Me too.

 

**newlywed:** hes a tumblr boy

 

**queen:** He’d better own a flower crown or else I’m suing.

 

**newlywed:** he does own a flower crown

 

**queen:** praise

 

**★ MILF ★:** You know that you guys mean a lot to me right?

 

**shirabooboo:** lmao gay

 

**yahoeba:** Translation: yes.

 

**shirabooboo:** that was r00d

 

**queen:** Yeah you guys are pretty okay

 

**shirabooboo:** HONESTLY ALL IVE EVER NEEDED I CAN DIE HAPPY PRAISE JESUS ALLELUIA

 

**newlywed:** um yeah this chat is pretty dope

 

**gucci:** guys kenji told me that this chat always makes him smile

 

**gucci:** like an actual smile not his usual cocky grin

 

**gucci:** alSO YOU ARE ALL SO RIGHT????

 

**gucci:** IM SO PROUD OF US

 

**gucci:** I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE MANY MORE CATFIGHTS BUT NO WE WERE ALL GuCCI

 

**yahoeba:** You guys aren’t that bad at all. 

 

**yahoeba:** That doesn’t mean my team will go easy on you, though.

 

**newlywed:** oh thats right we play volleyball

 

**shirabooboo:** shiratorizawa will beat you yahaba :)

 

**shirabooboo:** then we’ll go to nationals and beat all the tokyo teams :)

 

**shirabooboo:** see you all there :)

 

**queen:** You fiend.

 

**★ MILF ★:** Dont count out Karasuno

 

**gucci:** KARASUNO AINT SHIT

 

**gucci:** JOHZENJI IS GOING TO EMERGE VICTORIOUS

 

**shirabooboo:** i literally dont know who you are

 

**gucci:** hahahahahahahahahaahah

 

**yahoeba:** You can all live in that delusion, but Aoba Johsai will take the title when you least expect it. :)

 

**newlywed:** ummmm i guess this is a thing now

 

**newlywed:** akaashi nohebi will beat you????

 

**queen:** No Fukurodani is the best?????

 

**newlywed:** ?????

 

**queen:** ?????

 

**gucci:** almost all of us are in college prep classes i swear

 

^^^

 

**king:** YOU FOUGHT WITHOUT ME

 

**king:** YOU SLAGS OMG

 

**fergie:** i was gettin booty and thIS IS WHAT I COME BACK TO

 

**fergie:** YOU CANT HAVE A BATTLE AT THE GARBAGE DUMP WITHOUT CATS ENNOSHIT

 

**fergie:** YOU REALLY CANT

 

**fergie:** I JUST FEEL

 

**fergie:** REALLY DISRESPTCTED

 

**king:** ummmmm what about the iron wall of dateko?

 

**king:** have you forgotten who can break the will of aces?

 

**king:** SQUARE UP SHIRABU ILL TAKE YOUR ACE AND HIS STRAIGHT SPIKES

 

**gucci:** guysssss no one is even awake stop spamminggggg

 

**fergie:** WE WILL NEVER SLEEP

 

**king:** CUZ SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK

 

**gucci:** k

 

^^^

 

**yahoeba:** OH GROSS   
  


**yahoeba:** IWAIZUMI-SAN TOPS 

 

**yahoeba:** EW THAT WAS SOMETHING I NEVER WANTED TO WITNESS

 

**yahoeba:** IM SO TELLING HANAMAKI AND MATSUKAWA

 

**newlywed:** u know how most people wake up to birds or shit??? i  wake up to yahoeba screaming and i aint even mad

 

**shirabooboo:** what a beautiful start to the day

 

**queen:** Truly.

 

**gucci:** i am the definition of death rn

 

**fergie:** relatable

 

**king:** i hope you all have great days in your otherwise dreary lives

 

**★ MILF ★:** This chat is such a blessing in my life

 

**★ MILF ★:** You guys are the best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...i am so sorry


End file.
